My Love Journey's
A way

...Author's POV....

Bianka lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling of the guest room of the Warner family home. Paul was on the other side of the bed, turning his back on Bianka, his breathing sounding regular. The man survives near Bianka, making sure her lover instantly gets whatever he needs.

Bianka touched on her existence and appreciated Paul's concern. But, somehow he felt uncomfortable. He did not want to let his heart receive a kindness that was only temporary, not for a long time. That calm will be over soon. In fact, even though he has learned that Paul did not really leave Indonesia for good, it is still not easy for him to accept the recent events. He felt empty and numb. She doesn't know which one should be more pathetic, losing her baby or losing her lover.

Bianka tilted her head and looked at Paul's back. He was so close, yet felt so far away. He felt lonely at the place that had been the most comfortable point in his life. Bianka took a breath, inched out of bed, and came out from inside the room. There was no reason for him to lie there any longer.

The poor woman galloped into the living room, then sat in front of the television, holding the remote. He did not know how long he had been sitting there staring at the black screen without turning it on. It was only when his eyes caught the light from between the open curtains that he realized that he had spent the whole night sitting in the living room of someone else's house.

While exhaling, he put down the remote and moved back to the room. All the residents of the house were still asleep, except for a housekeeper who happened to cross paths with him. He sneaks into the blanket, trying his best not to bother Paul. A few minutes later, the other side of the bed swayed behind him, but he did not move. Bianka waited for Paul to come out of the room, and was shocked to feel one big hand curling around his hip and pulling him back before hugging him tightly.

The days passed without a meaningful impression on him. Paul, Anne, the family - except for his father and mother -, and Bianka's friends are always around him. The only time he spends alone is only during the nights he comes out of the room and sits in the living room or on the balcony.

He makes his best effort to momentarily 'escape' from everyone as they drown in dreams, then return to bed at dawn beginning to incline and pretend to be asleep. During the day, he would steal time to rest. Bianka realized the habit was unhealthy, but every time she tried to sleep at night, she always dreamed about the children and woke up in a state of anxiety and emptiness.

"What are you doing?"

Bianka gasped at the sound of someone's voice. He was lying on the sofa as usual, unaware of the arrival of Paul who was now standing nearby. Paul rubbed his eyes to collect lives.

"Oh! I want to watch tv." replied Bianka gently.

"Maybe it's better if you turn it on" said Paul, his voice still sounding sleepy.

"really. Go back to the room, I'll be there any minute."

Paul shook his head and extended a hand. "Not without you. Come on, we're both sleeping."

Bianka accepted the proposal and resignedly complied. They lie down, facing each other without any physical contact.

"You should try to sleep." murmured Paul.

"I can't. I tried, but still..."

Paul pulled her closer, pushing Bianka's head into her chest while the woman sighed, enjoying the warmth radiating from her. It feels so soothing. For the first time in the wake of last week's tragedy, Bianka could feel something. He closed his eyes for a moment while putting his hands on Paul's chest.

"I'm sorry, Paul." his his hiss was subtle.

"Hm? Wh why? What's for?" ask Paul after a while.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done to you."

"Please, I have to say it." urged Bianka.

"Love, I know you get out of the room every night and come back when it's almost light. And I'm pretty sure you haven't slept all night. Will you try harder? Your body needs rest, while others can wait."

Needless to say, Bianka was shocked. He thought he had done it carefully. Without letting go of the comfort of Paul's embrace, Bianka looked up. But there was nothing she could see because the room was completely dark, making her a little irritated at not being able to figure out Paul's expression. He thought about getting up and turning on the lights, but was afraid of ruining the comfort in the meantime.

"You're free to continue your duties as my personal nurse tomorrow morning. It doesn't matter if you're lazy to talk, but please listen to me."

"Okay." Paul finally gave up.

"I'm afraid of losing you, Paul." muttered Bianka in his chest. "No matter how scared I was, everything that happened made me realize I couldn't go on like this. Because it'll kill me slowly. If you know, deep down in your heart, that you can't find a reason to forgive and forget our problems, then just let go of me. Don't lead me somewhere unreal. Please, no."

Bianka felt like screaming in tears when she all she got was silence. He gently pushed Paul's chest to break away from his embrace. However, Paul did not let go, instead the man pulled him closer to his body, tightening his arms.

"We're able to get through this." Paul snored in the end. "We should be able to. Because I refused to let you go."

Bianka breathed a sigh of relief, her fear slowly fading away. "Are you sure?"

"Bianka, so many things we've been through. We should both learn. I'm tired of constantly fighting with you... I won't lie, for a moment I'll give up on this relationship." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I've thought about it many times, and I still love you, more than myself. I don't want to lose you. Shit, I can't afford to lose you. My days without you feel like hell, but I want you ready to do what we really need."

"I'm ready. Whatever it is, I'm ready to do it."

"All right, I think we need therapy."

"Oh!" Bianka looked surprised. "We don't need that, Paul. As long as we love each other, I'm sure everything will be fine."

"No, you're wearing a mask. You pretend to look good when you actually don't. That's not healthy, Bianka. There is nothing wrong with listening to the input of someone who is an expert, I think it's only to the extent that we acknowledge imperfections in our relationship and need help to find a way out. All you have to understand is that no matter how much I love you, there are times when my mind is at a dead end. I want us to solve this problem to the end. So tell me you're ready to do whatever we have to do."

Bianka took a breath that seemed to have been to a hundred times for tonight. Paul was right, their relationship was terrible. Instead of facing all obstacles with a cool and mature head, they unconsciously push themselves closer to the edge of the abyss. He wants to be happy with Paul. "alright. We're asking Panda for advice tomorrow morning. He knows quite a lot of therapists."

"Good." said Paul, pulling Bianka while rolling to the side, positioning himself on top of Bianka. Gently rub the cheek of the woman he always loved, down the cheek, to the jaw, to his lips. "I love you, love." whispered before putting their lips together.

Bianka smiled happily. Hearing Paul call him that name made him realize he really missed their togetherness. "I love you too."

Paul kissed her once more, before edging down and landing a chin on her stomach. "I love you more. You won't understand how much I love you. Now, it's time for bed. Close your eyes and don't think about anything, okay? I'm here with you."

"Okay." replied Bianka, still smiling. And for the first time in days, he almost fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.