My Love Journey's
A desperate men

"I've forgiven you, Paul." I said gently, and my heart was twisted when I saw hope in his eyes. "But that doesn't mean we can go back to what we were before."

He grimaced, as if he was enduring the pain. "Ah," he hissed, nodding while his gaze searched my eyes. "Am I late, Bianka?" tanyanya hesitated.

A single tear dripped down my cheek and I hurriedly swept over, yet I still remained silent. "If you want me to leave immediately and you don't want to see me again, then that's what I'm going to do even if I'm going to suffer for the rest of my life" he paused for a moment before continuing. "But if suddenly a miracle happens and you still love me, let me fight for you, Bianka."

"I've been waiting for you, Paul," I told him. "I waited for you for three years and you came when I decided to stop. It's not fair." I shook my head.

Paul reached out to take my hand, but I refused. Sadness was seen in his eyes as he dropped his hand. "I will never forgive myself for letting you go" he said, almost to himself.

"What changed you?" my many. "What made you come here?"

"My life changed. Everything has changed since you left. A lot of things happened, and nothing could make me forget you. Trust me, Bianka, I didn't do it because I hated you. My love for you forced me to do that, I don't want you to suffer with me. I don't want to tie you up in a marriage that makes you feel tormented,"

"You made me suffer when you just left, Paul. I hope you don't forget the day you asked me to disappear from your life." I snorted cynically. "At any rate, it's my right to make my move, not you or anyone."

"I know, love. That day I was mad at you, I said something I shouldn't have said, and I only realized it shortly after I got to my mother's house." He looked down, took a deep breath. "He was angry as soon as I told him everything and kicked me out of his house. He said I can't come if I'm not with you. I was upset, my mind was in a state of turmoil and my own mother blamed me. I knew I was wrong, but I was angry, Bianka. I'm mad at you, at my mother, at the circumstances, and especially at myself for blaming others."

"Often I remind you to be careful, to take good care of your content,"

"I did it, Paul." I snapped loudly. "I took good care of him, but I didn't have the strength to defend him when God took him."

"Yes, and that's what I should have thought at the time. But, I'm late" he said in a sorry tone. I saw her tears welling up while her lips trembled holding back tears.

I wanted to hug her and calm her down, but what came out of my own mouth surprised her. "Yes. Very late." I didn't expect to say that myself.

I stood up, carrying my glass and was about to put it in the sink when his words hit me. "I had an accident. Car crashes. It's the worst one."

My eyes turned back while involuntarily the glass in my hand dropped. "You... What's?"

"Accident after my mother kicked me out." He's still down. "I almost lost my leg. That's why I stopped playing ball."

Makes sense. It is fitting that I have never heard or seen the news anywhere, he seemed to disappear in the swallow of the earth. "And you left me because of that?" I asked sharply, then shook my head. "Really, Paul? I don't know which is worse, you left out of fear that I would leave you or because you didn't want me to feel overwhelmed by your circumstances. But, believe me, I wouldn't choose both if you told me. I'll definitely be with you, Paul. Wh why? Because I'm not you, who chose to leave when I needed you."

He groans. "Bianka, you didn't understand how I was at the time. I'm..."

"Because no one told me!" loud spurts. "I'm your wife, and you tell everyone but me. I'm the one who supported to know about you, about that goddamn accident, about your sufferred. Look what you did." I sobbed. "In fact, you sent me divorce papers."

"Love..."

"No, Paul." I said. "Listen, whatever happens between us, it's all done. It's over. We're done. I'm glad to see you're okay now, and thank you for telling me why you disappeared even though it was too late. Really, I appreciate it. At least my questions have been answered." I collect broken glasses with the tip of my sandals.

"I'm sorry, Bianka." she muttered softly, her voice trembling. "I was wrong, yes, but I really can't forget you."

I looked down, sweeping tears from my face. "The day you leave" I said slowly. "You ruined me."

Paul grimacing. "Please, don't say that."

"That's reality, Paul. I never felt that bad. I've never felt the pain you gave me. And, I want you to understand why I can't accept you right now." I raised my eyes looking at him. "I'm afraid you'll hurt me again."

"That's not going to happen," he said in a desperate tone. "I know words won't be able to heal the pain in your heart at any moment, but give me a chance to make things right, Bianka."

I took a breath, feeling mentally tired. All I need right now is to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning in a better state.

"Tell me" he said again, and I looked at him. "Do you still love me?"

I gulped, barely able to resist hugging him. "You know I've always loved you, Paul, and that's where the problem is. I'm trying to maintain my pride right now. I can't take you for granted as if nothing happened. I don't want you to touch me because I know how my body will react. This is not fair. I fought against myself, you son of a bitch!"

"In that case, I won't touch you." he murmured solemnly. "Just don't ask me to leave without giving me a chance to fight one more time."

"What does that mean?"

He looked into my eyes. "That means I love you and there's nothing else I want but to keep you by my side. Yeah, I made a mistake, I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry. All I want is one chance. Give me a chance, Bianka. Please..."

I shook my head. "Paul, my life is here now. Work, family, everything here. I don't want to..."

"Just let me see you" he said. "I'll think of the rest."

Just let me see you. My God, he makes it hard to stay mad at him.

"Then, what about Sebastian? Are you telling me to date two guys at the same time?" ask me in a satirical tone.

"Yes, tell him that he has a competitor" he replied without hesitation. "I can tell him you want to."

I cringe. "You're serious?"

He tried to grab my hand, but then stopped before he succeeded. "Yes. Let me win you. If in the end you decide to vote for her, then I will stay away and will never interfere with your life again."

Again, I shook my head. "You're crazy."

"I'm desperate" he said.

I watched him while thinking about his words. He wanted one chance to get me, and it made me want to doubt it. I was mad at him and yes, I wanted him to understand how I felt when he left me. Maybe I'm a grudge, but I also need to learn to trust him once again. He kicked me out of his life so easily, then what guarantees he won't do that again? I thought I couldn't handle the pain from him a second time. And I don't want to put myself in that position anymore.

Sebastian. I knew we could have a real relationship. Yeah, we haven't known each other very far, but I know he's a good guy. What more do you expect from a man than kindness and understanding? Before Paul came, I really wanted to open my heart to Sebastian because he was so persistent and unyielding. It could have been that he backed off after I rejected him for the first time, but that didn't happen. The road with Sebastian is possible because there are no tears that haunt our past.

The problem is Sebastian is not Paul. I love Paul. My heart is tied to him. Damn, I'm really confused.

"And you don't mind seeing me with Sebastian?" ask her.

I can't imagine if Sebastian will give up but I'm sure he won't give up easily. I've never dated two men at the same time before. Is this a new style of relationship? Hm, maybe not.

"I don't have a problem with the competition" he said, then lowered his gaze. "As long as he doesn't touch you either."

I almost smiled. There's something I like about Paul when he's jealous, and it's sexy. That thought flattered me, that a man so handsome and attractive as Paul would feel a strong sense of jealousy towards me. Oh Gosh, we haven't even started it yet and I can feel that soon I'm going to get on my knees with him.

No. gabe. I have to be strong. Keep your pride, Bianka!

"I never slept with Sebastian" I said, and he raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That was our first date."

Paul tried to cover up his relief but I saw his shoulders lighter. "When did you meet him?"

I take a step forward and sit down. "About eight months ago. He's the uncle of one of the patients at the hospital where I work."

He nodded, then smiled. "Any man will be tempted to see you in uniform" he said, winking.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yes, but I don't think all men will leave me when I need them." I quipped back.

He groans. "Bianka, please forgive me."

"How many more times are you going to apologize?"

"As much as it takes to get you back" he promised.

"Instead of saying it, you have to prove that you're really sorry." I murmured softly.

"That's what I'm gonna do."

The silence was momentary until I asked again. "Why does your name never appear anywhere? There's no news of the accident."

Paul took a breath. "I asked my manager to cover it up."

I'm nodding. "And, you really stopped playing ball?" He's nodding. "Then, what's your job now? If you're unemployed, better back off than now. Sebastian is more promising."

He laughed while I smiled. "Since when do you care about money?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Since someone divorced me cruelly" I replied. "I'm sorry I wasted the opportunity to enjoy life with your money."

"Bianka, can we stop talking about my stupidity?" he said with a pleading expression. "I know my mistake and I really regret it."

I smiled with satisfaction. "alright. So, what's your job now?"

"I bought twenty-five percent of Bayern's club shares." A mischievous grin that always made me flutter rose on her lips, and I really wanted to kiss her. "Just calm down, love. My finances are still the way they used to be, and I'd be willing to spend my money if it could bring you back to me."

"I'll remember it." I said seriously. I plan to make him poor, if I can. "When are you going back to Germany?"

"When I want to. And, given that I have more important business here now, maybe I'll be in Jakarta longer. At least until I finish my mission."

I'm nodding. "Then, what about your mother?"

Paul shrugged his shoulders. "I asked her to stay longer to relax, but she wanted to go home first. The flight is tomorrow afternoon" he said. "Would you take him to the airport?"

I'm shaking. "I can't. I'm in the morning tomorrow. Just say my regards to her."

"All right," said Paul. "I thought it was time for me to go" He stood up.

I followed her movements, "Yes, I guess so is."

She's staring. "May I ask you something?"

I raised both my eyebrows. "What?"

Paul held out his phone to me. "Contact with you so I can call you."

I chuckled, grabbed her phone and put my number in. "Don't bother me." I said as I returned the phone.

"Not going to." We started to step to the front door. I opened the door and let Paul out. "Thank you for giving me a chance."

I wanted to smile, but I didn't want to give him false hope. I don't know where tonight's meeting will lead us, and I can't promise that Paul and I will get back together. Maybe we were destined to be friends after this. Maybe our love wasn't strong enough to survive the marriage bond. Or, maybe we can get through it civilized, solve all the problems in adulthood, and then repeat everything from scratch. Whatever it is, I hope no one is harmed. No Paul, not me.

"Goodnight, Paul. Safe drive."

"I will," she replied. I saw his eye movements drop to my lips briefly before he nodded and turned around.

I closed the door after he drove off and took a deep breath. It wasn't an easy conversation, but I'm grateful we ended it so well. I didn't expect Paul to ask me to give him a second chance, so I guessed he'd give up and walk out of my house as soon as I turned him down. To be honest I doubt it, but on the other hand I want to believe that there is still a chance for us to fix everything.

After hearing all the explanations, I felt our relationship would be easier because Paul's own life was not what it used to be. There was no gossip, and excess attention even though I knew there were still many people who knew him. There will probably be fans greeting her once in a while while she is in a public place, but it won't be as bad as it used to be. This is beneficial for those of me who do not like excessive attention.

I exhaled a sigh of relief. That's enough for today.

"Now, it's time to clean up the mess in the kitchen and go to bed."