My Love Journey's
Talking Time

I was in the kitchen of my house, just finished preparing a roast chicken for Paul and me lunch. I also set the table and tried to calm down before I met Paul. So many things came to my mind about our meeting today.

I was texting Stacey as a distraction from my raging thoughts, but a few minutes later I heard my doorbell ring.

"Calm down, Bianka. You must be able to get through this day well." I said encouraging myself as I walked out of the kitchen. "Paul should be worried now, not you." I said.

I tidied up the front of the blouse I was wearing before opening the door.

Paul stood there, giving me the softest smile I've ever seen. He looked very handsome, just like always, but there was also a tired look I could clearly catch on his face. I wonder how the rest schedule has been lately.

"Hi" she said with a hoarse voice that I so missed.

He was wearing a pair of black jeans and a white T-shirt, very casual yet neat. I realized that she was also wearing the necklace I bought for her.

"Hey," I gasped for a small bouquet of red roses in her hand. "Wow."

"This is for you" He chuckled and handed the flower to me. I accepted it while smiling sincerely.

"thank you. Come, comein..." I shifted a little so he could step into my house.

Then I saw Frosty appear in the living room. Instead of attacking Paul or drifting away, he instead went forward and curled up at his feet. Paul looked at me as I was closing the door, and immediately smiled at him.

"Frosty misses you," I stared at him, a hidden intent slipping in my words.

"Didn't he hate me?" the reply, clearly understand what I mean.

"Hate is a strong word. He can't really hate you." I shook my head slowly, stepping closer to him. "He was just confused and a little angry."

"Well, I don't want her to feel that way."

I paused for a moment to look into his eyes, before realizing we were standing in front of the entrance. I cleared my throat and stepped while talking. "I've prepared lunch. Come on..."

***

"Why did you leave me?" ask Paul.

I looked at a rose from Paul that I had put in the vase and now joined us at the dinner table. "Because I have to go."

"You're trying to get away from me? If you're angry after I explain everything to you, then why did you want to fuck me that night?" He raised his eyebrows, making me take a breath after swallowing a piece of broccoli.

"I don't want you to know that I'm mad at you. It will definitely affect your play in the final, and I don't want to make myself an excuse for your defeat." I murmured, trying to explain. "It doesn't feel fair to you, Paul. Even though I was mad at you back then, I didn't want to ruin your dream."

He was silent for a while, looking at me fixedly. "If you'd known, after we dated, if I had slept with another woman, there wouldn't be a word 'we' right now" he concluded, then cut the chicken on his plate.

"I know, really. It's just, I find it funny knowing your reaction when I spend time with Travis, while you yourself sleep with another woman, right? Well, even though it was just a casual date back then, I mean no seriousness at all."

Paul sighed and nodded. "That's not fair to you. I realized I should have told you about it, but at the same time I didn't want to lose you. I don't want our closeness to end."

"That's your nature, Paul. You're selfish."

"Yes, I know. I just feel like I'm myself when I'm with you. And I need you."

"Sometimes, I don't be myself when I'm with you." I reply. "I'm too soft on you, while you've always ruled me. You know, I almost hurt Carmen the day I was about to go back to Germany. That's not me at all, Paul..."

"You almost hurt Carmen?" His attention increased, I caught the amused tone to his voice.

"Wow."

"You know it wasn't me, right? I would never hurt anyone else, Paul." I said, frowning.

Paul nodded his head. "Yes, I know that. I'm sorry that without me realizing I've changed you, I never intended to." said Paul, looking as if he really understood his influence on me.

"It wasn't you who changed me, Paul. But the circumstances when we have a relationship. Your life is too complicated while I'm just an ordinary woman." I said, then took a sip of wine.

"I'm guilty, Bianka. I should have said it sooner, it was the only right thing to do. Well, it's all over now. They've signed contacts, deleted videos, and received payment for it." murmured Paul. "Lucy and Carmen have disappeared from our lives, and so has Louis' life."

I just quietly listened to it while sipping wine in my glass, until Paul's next question jolted me a little.

"Do you want to end our relationship?"

I blinked. "What about you?" reply asked. I want to hear his opinion.

Paul rests his back on the back of the chair while combing his hair with one hand. I know he's not happy about this topic. "I want to make you happy, you know that. I don't want to let you constantly feel stressed and anxious when I'm with you. I'd let you go if it made you comfortable."

"Paul, i..." I couldn't put together a word to answer his sentence that seemed to slap me. I just looked at him. He wanted to end our relationship just to make me feel comfortable?

I knew he loved me, and his words just now proved that enough. Suddenly all the sadness and confusion that I felt, as well as all I knew, managed to overwhelm me, and without me noticing the small tears slipping down my cheeks.

"Bianka's? Please, don't cry..." Paul reached out to grab my hand. Instead of letting her do that, I shook my head and grabbed the napkin, then rubbed it against my face while trying to pull myself up.

"sorry. I don't know why I'm crying." I said, letting out an awkward laugh while taking a look from Paul. I'm sure my tears will flow more and more if I look at them longer.

Slowly my heart was broken into pieces, and I did not know the cause. But I realized Paul's words were true. My life would have been calmer if we ended this relationship.

"Listen, Bianka. You don't have to worry when you're in public, people won't hate you anymore, and you don't have to force yourself into my complicated life either." Paul continued. "You can focus on your college and work, and move on with your life as well as before. Before we meet."

Everything he said was the truth. But there was also something wrong there; I could not be with him.

I've fallen in love with her, despite all the trouble that's been going on. I was really desperate and couldn't imagine what my life would be like if we were apart.

"You're everything to..."

I stood up, making Paul speechless.

"You want more wine?" my many. "I'll take it. Uhm.. wait a minute..."

Without being able to prevent it, my tears slid even more as I turned around and stepped towards the kitchen. This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced after my mother's departure. I, somehow, find it hard to get away from Paul. He was so strong that he bound me, and all of that was not realized in the slightest. I don't want to blame her, but I still feel angry with her.

No matter how much I believe in Paul, it just makes me look sadder. Whether for the better or for the worse, Paul has changed my life. I cannot go back to living my life as before.

I hid in the kitchen, holding on to the edge of the counter while enjoying the heat of my own tears. Then I cursed in my heart. Paul has hurt me by keeping secrets about my brother, but it is nothing compared to how much I feel about him.

Until I finally came to a conclusion. I want to get over this, fix what's wrong, and get back with Paul. I straightened up, swept away the tears on my face and walked back to the dining room to say that to Paul.

I froze as soon as I realized he wasn't there. "Paul?" call me, swallow.

Then I started walking to the front door, opening it quickly. At that moment I saw his car driving.