My Love Journey's
He is not Paul

The next morning, I found a bouquet of fresh red roses and a greeting card at the door as I was about to go to work. I ducked down to grab it, then opened the card and read the writing.

'I'm sorry for making you suffer, Bianka. I hope your day is fun. Ilove you. ~Paul's'

At that second, I could not help but smile spontaneously drawn at the corner of my lips while reading his writing again and again, until I realized that I would be late if I kept standing looking at the card like a madman. I got into the car and put the bouquet in the passenger seat. When did he leave her? Was it possible last night? There's no way he'd drive in the morning to put it in front of my house. After all, no flower shop was open this early.

It was amazing to know that Paul had the ability to awaken something else in me with just a little treatment. God, I love her so much that it hurts. This feeling made me fragile, and I realized that I would not be able to resist jumping into his arms for a long time. My heart belongs to Paul. There's nothing I can do to argue that.

I stopped by a coffee shop not far from the hospital to buy an intake that would help me today. It's lucky it's Saturday, so the traffic isn't too heavy. I love Jakarta but not the street. Actually it's not too much of a problem if you're relaxed like this, but another thing when I receive an emergency call from the hospital. Congestion can cause a person to lose a life that should be saved.

I greeted Lulu, one of my colleagues as we passed each other in front of the locker room door. Here I work more professionally on appeal when in Germany. I try to keep personal affairs to myself and keep them away from chatting with my colleagues. Being too close to a co-worker is sometimes not a good thing.

After all, I have Yola, Theo, and Panda, my brother, who are always ready to accept all the junk of feelings I've shed. Since yesterday, they've been pestering me in group chats, asking this about Paul. I let them fuss, comforted by their annoyance when I said nothing. Today, I just joined at lunchtime.

Next week is Panda's birthday, and he already has plans to celebrate with us. Just family and some close friends. She and her husband are going to make some kind of bonfire party at the top.

Panda: I invited Paul.

I rolled my eyeballs. Sure oes. My reply.

Tags: #teamPaul

Yola: #teamPaul all the way baby😘

Theo: Put the trash in its place. Good bye, trash! #teamSebastian

Mia: I love you, Theo💋 Goodbye, trash! #teamSebastian

Their tweets made me laugh and blush all at once. But by the way, what made Panda oppose Sebastian? I think I need to ask you later.

I'm happy to be placed in a paediatric clinic for not being too bothered. However, on many occasions I have to pay for that calm by swallowing a bitter pill if I see a child of the same age as my son if I manage to give birth to him. If only...

As I was about to walk into the changing room to put my wallet down after lunch, I saw Sebastian walking towards me holding Kevin's hand. I smiled and felt guilty at the same time. It felt like I had just betrayed him even though our relationship wasn't serious and neither was Paul and I doing something.

"Hey," he said as he stood in front of me.

I smile. "Hey, how are you?"

"Well," He looked around nervously and I already knew what he was going to say before he even spoke. "Want to have dinner with me later? My brother came home early today and he wanted to spend time with Kevin, so it was just the two of us this time." he muttered softly in order not to be heard by Kevin.

I looked at Kevin who was looking at the corner where the child was at the paediatric clinic. "Okay, uh,"

"Good," Sebastian grinned. "I'll pick you up at seven, how?"

I'm nodding. "Good sounds."

"alright. See you soon." He smiled before turning around. "Come on buddy" he told Kevin.

"Bye, Miss." Kevin waved to me.

"Bye, Kevin."

I watched for a moment the two people walking to each other hand in hand. As cool as it sounds to be dating two guys at once, I know that I can't do that to Sebastian. I have to be honest with him. The reality is that I still love Paul, and deep down in my heart I want our relationship to go back to what it used to be. I can't be selfish because it's not just me and Paul involved. Sebastian is a really good guy. He deserves a good woman rather than waiting for someone who has tethered his heart to someone else.

After my working hours ended, I stopped by Panda's house with two pizza boxes and a box of donuts for the kids. I found her sitting in the living room with Mia and Jason. "Star Wars never died, huh?" I said, commenting on the TV screen that aired Star Wars.

I put down the city-box of pizza and doughnuts while Jason answered. "Nope. Legend live forever." He opened the box and took a slice of pizza. "Look, love, Bianka knows when to come" she said, winking at me. "Thank's."

"I'm an expert at reading things," I replied, grinning.

Mia grunting. "When it comes to others, yes. Admit that you're a fool about yourself." He and his scathing comments cannot allow anyone to live in tranquility.

Panda grimacing. "Don't listen to him" he said, then continued as I sat next to him. "So, how is the continuation of the romance drama that seems never-ending?" He asked while taking a slice of pizza.

"Paul asked me to give him a chance" I replied.

"And?" push them together.

I let out a breath. "I love her. He hurt me and I still love him. Damn it my life, huh?"

"That's when you realize that you're not messing around" Panda said, shrugging.

"But, I was afraid of feeling pain a second time. You know how I was in my first year of separation."

"Yup! You got a point." Mia consented.

"But" said Panda. "Something forced her to do that to you, right? It's not like he deliberately wanted to throw you out of his life."

I cringed looking at him. "Why do you really want me to go back to him? Last time I checked, you really hate him."

He shrugged, spoke while chewing. "I've seen how bad you were when you split up, Sist, and I know he caused it, but he's also the right guy for you. I can see a happy explosion in your eyes when you look at him."

I looked at the TV while thinking. "That's ironic. Someone who could potentially hurt me as if no one else could do it, and he was also someone who could make me happy."

"That's love" Jason said.

"Omong is empty," muttered Mia. "I don't believe in love, because that feeling will only make you weak."

Jason groaning. "So, you haven't loved me all this time?"

Mia shook her head, while Panda and I giggled at the surprised reaction on Jason's face. "I married you because the Panda forced me to. Thank him"

"Mia, uh,"

"What?" mia's mouth was sniffed, which made Jason shrink. She could have said she didn't believe in love, but me and whoever saw their interaction would have said otherwise, that Mia was very, very, very loving Jason.

"No." said Jason hesitated, then smiled at his wife. "What matters is that I love you" she kissed Mia on the forehead.

"Where's my husband? Oh, my God, I miss him." Panda pretended to put on a sad look.

Right at that moment, a hoarse and deep voice sounded. "I'm here, my dear" said Sean, walking quickly to Panda and putting a short kiss on her lips. He just got home from the office.

They laugh. "It's good that you're sober" said Mia, leaning on Jason's shoulder. "I support Sebastian. But, I will still appreciate whatever your decision is. So, quickly determine who will be a part of this family before your gray hair is seen."

I rolled my eyeballs. "That's wise," I said cynically. I looked at Panda. "I'll go to the kids' room and play with them before I go home."

"Go #teamSebastian," Mia said.

"No. #teamPaul forever." reply Panda.

I just laughed while shaking my head.

Half an hour later, after playing with Ben, Lily, and Karen, I went home and got ready before Sebastian came. I was wearing blue jeans combined with a white blouse and white strappy sandals. I'm still confused about how to tell Sebastian about Paul, but then again, I have to be honest with him.

I'm still waiting for Sebastian when my phone rings. "Hello?" I said.

"Hey, Rapunzel," replied Paul from the end of the joint.

"Yes, how are you?"

"Better now since I hear your voice," he said, making me smile.

"Thank you for the flowers this morning." I looked at the red rose from her that I had put in the vase and stood on the middle room table.

He chuckles. "Thank God no one stole it." I'm laughing too. "Bianka, look.. I don't have much time but I want to hear you want to spend time with me tomorrow?"

I look at my calendar, and I'm lucky I'm off tomorrow. "Uhm, okay."

"Greats. I can't wait to see you," I caught a noise behind him. What's he doing? "I'm sorry, I have to do something. See you tomorrow, love."

"elright. Bye, Paul's." I'll just close the call when he calls me back.

"Oh, Bianka?"

"Yes?"

"Don't forget that I've always loved you" he said. "Bye."

I don't know why her words make me feel emotional, but right now my eyes are watering. I love the fact that Paul was never afraid to express his feelings to me. One of the advantages is that he always holds his word, and that should be enough reason for me to accept it. But, I still have to make sure that he really means it.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on my door. "Are you ready?" sebastian asked as I opened the door.

"Yes" I smiled. "Do you mind if we eat near here?"

"Absolutely not. If it's not wrong there's a Japanese restaurant not far from here, right?"

I'm nodding. "About a hundred meters from the front gate. You wanna walk?"

Now it's Sebastian's turn to nod. He locked the car and we started walking. "How was your day?"

"Just like always" I said, looking straight ahead. "You?" I asked back.

"I managed to sell the house today, so it's pretty good."

We walked in silence for a while before I spoke. "Sebastian, there's something I want to tell you." I murmured slowly.

She's looking at me. "What?"

"My ex-husband came yesterday before we left" I bit my lower lip nervously. It's weird to say Paul was an ex-husband.

"Ah," he nodded weakly. "That's why you were quieter yesterday."

"Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"So?" ask Sebastian. "Are you going back to him?"

"I don't know yet" I said. "Paul and I..." I turned my eyes forward while thinking about what to say. "Our relationship is complicated. She left me when I miscarried. At first I thought he wanted us to separate, but later I found out that he had an accident after we had a fight and he covered it up for me." I glanced at Sebastian to see the change in his expression. He seemed to understand.

"Hmm, okay."

"Yes, I don't know where our next relationship is going."

"And you still love him" she said firmly.

"I don't want to lie to you, Sebastian," I murmured softly. "Yes, I still love him. It seems like it will continue until I die, but he hurt me, which is why I can't take it yet. Well, he asked for a second chance, and I don't think there's any harm in that."

"Have you accepted my offer tonight out of pity?" tanyakanya.

"Oh, no. Not at all." I said quickly. "The truth is, I don't know what to do. Before he came, I really wanted to try a serious relationship with you and now I'm confused." And frustration to myself. And scared. And still loves Paul.

"I know you love someone, Bianka" Sebastian said after a few seconds of silence. "That means he's my rival now?"

"Sebastian, I don't want you to waste time on..."

"How about we try a little bit more and see the results later?" He smiled at me. "I really like you and if you want, we can spend some time together so you know who you want to be by your side. And, tell me once you find the answer."

"Don't you mind if I date my ex-husband too?"

"We're all grown up, Bianka" she said. "Again, our relationship is still vague. But I want to meet him. You know, to see how well my enemies prepare." He chuckled, and I knew it was just a joke.

I let out a nervous laugh. "I thought you two would be familiar."

"Well, we have the same taste," He grinned as he nudged my shoulder with his shoulder.

I shook my head while smiling. "I must be crazy!"

We arrived at a Japanese restaurant and chatted lightly while enjoying sushi. Sebastian didn't ask me anything more about Paul, instead he wanted to know about my family, so I told him about my father, mother, and Louis. I felt more sorry for him because he was so kind, thoughtful, and attentive during our conversation.

For the rest of the night I slept, trying to think of Sebastian's kindness. But at the end of the day the conclusion I got was the same, he wasn't Paul.

He is not Paul! Never. Ever.