Dear Imamku
Dilemmas

"If you do not intend to reply to the message of Dibah, at least read it, so that Dibah knows that the message that Dibah sent, Farzan already read. Trust me, it's been so happy."

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Adibah felt the bed on her right side. Check if Farzan is still there. But wait! Where the hell is he? Why become empty like this?

Around Adibah, so quiet. Where was the romantic scene last night? Why become like this? Or was last night just a dream? Adibah massages her temples that begin to feel dizzy.

Adibah's eyes were round looking around, he was not in his room, this was in Farzan's room. Is this really a dream? Yesterday before, he had slept in his room instead of Farzan's, but why did he wake up here?

Wait for. Adibah remembers. Oh my God, this is a dream. Farzan had never returned after dropping off Aqilah. Where the hell is he? Thought Adibah in his heart as if everything was so real.

Why does everything feel real? Why does it look so beautiful. If only he could, Adibah would have had to keep dreaming his whole life in order to be with Farzan forever.

He staggered. It had been a few days since the quarrel, Adibah had never filled her stomach with food, only water, that too occasionally. His appetite suddenly disappeared.

"Take your heart to calm down. Istigfar so that your disappointment is lost and pray that your happiness will come soon." He remembered his father's words.

A drop of water fell back on the eye of Adibah. It was not as easy as this girl imagined. Loving is not easy. He had loved men before but never like this!

After arriving at his room, Adibah took the phone that was on the nightstand. Sending whatsapp messages to Farzan, like any other day, prayed that his message this time get a reply unlike yesterday.

But, unfortunately, once a stone is still a stone. Farzan still did not reply to the message sent Adibah, even read it only reluctantly. How could everything be as before, if Farzan never gave a single chance to Adibah.

This morning Adibah had to rise, there are still many other lives waiting. Even though the situation is now arguably concerning. The extremely pale face, the staggering path, the spirit of life might as well be said to have disappeared.

Adibah looked around her blankly after arriving at her room. Suddenly a message came from his phone. "Sister Farzan" he said with excitement.

- Father doctor 💕

At 10 o'clock, I just got home.

his trembling hands began to press the letters per letter to send a reply to a message from Farzan. He was very happy, even though Farzan only replied once from dozens of messages he sent.

- You

Where's the doctor?

Every now and then, Adibah stares at her phone to make sure her reply is back. Even if there is only one word, such as, home.

- Father doctor 💕

Umi and Abi have just returned from Egypt. Now that I'm in the hotel, I hope you can pretend to love me as long as Umi and Abi exist. The rest, that's your description.

The little thread was flowing back. Can be said, lately Adibah more often crying.

●●●●●_●

My tears just flow. I don't know what Farzan's been thinking all along! God, I love him why doesn't he feel this? Why does he hate me more?

You must prove that you really love Farzan! Efforts will never betray results, right?

"Why should I be God? Wh why? Am I strong enough to get through this? Help me, God! " my mumbling accompanied by sobs. "Why is it that when I love him so much, he just leaves?"

Someone held both my shoulders. I rubbed my tears right away maybe then looked at her, she Aqilah. Why is he here? Doesn't he hate me? I stared at Aqilah with a piteous look.

"I'm sorry, I'm, Dibah. " Aqilah aligned her body then hugged me. I returned his embrace.

I no longer cry, my tears are reluctant to show themselves again.

"Why is Aqilah here? " my question, in a soft voice. "Where is Farzan? "

She smiled at me. Then hugged me, rubbing my back gently. "Do not be weak, and do not be sad. But in fact you have the highest degree, if you are believers.QS. Ali Imran: 139"

Aquila still hugged me. I looked around with a blank look. I don't know where my life is really going.

Dad, I want to go with you. Since my father left, I have never been as happy as I was, I know that I am at a point where I want to live but there is no definite purpose and death has not yet come.

Aqiah let her embrace off my body. "I'm sorry to be dibah, that time, I was khilaf. I swear to you"

I held Adibah's hands while stroking her. "Whatever has happened does not need to be regretted, focus on the future. We will find the love of God there" I said trying to smile and be firm.

"Your face is pale, Dibah," said Aqilah as she touched my face. "Look, this is your face like a statue you know! Have you eaten all day? "

I wanted to say 'During Farzan's departure my appetite was suddenly lost' but what came out was "Given fullness Kok Qilah. I ate earlier. "

Aqilah looked at me with a soft look. "You lied, right? "

I immediately shook my head. "Baby grandpa how's he doing?" ask me to change the subject.

"Alhamdulillah dedek healthy baby. "

"Mas Esa knows? "

She shook her head. "My anniversary is in a month. We go to the couch and sit. Not good to sit on the floor like this. "we were both sitting on the floor.

Me and Aqilah walked out of the room and sat on the sofa. I took a deep breath of Bismillah.

"Continue the story earlier," he said, to which I nodded. "You know, my pregnancy was almost revealed in front of Mass Esa. " He chuckled while holding his nose. When I first met, I always saw this habit of Aqilah.

I chuckle. "How's the story? "

"Yes at that time I was sick and nauseous at night to eat porridge, even though that night the porridge was difficult to find, very sought after, mas Esa was busy going there even to contact my in-laws and finally made and after so it was eaten only three spoons. " Look at him laughing while holding his nose back. "Trus my mother-in-law said, are you pregnant, baby? I immediately shook my head and continued to say, Again come the moon only ma'am. "

We laughed back. I just realized, when she was angry yesterday it was probably hormones from baby Aqilah.

"Keep he believes? "

"My husband and my parents-in-law are the kind of people who believe."

"Where is Farzan, by the way? It's 10:26. Are they still busy? "

"God," call Aqilah in a soft voice.

"What's wrong? "

"So... Akha... Hem. " Why did Aquilah become nervous like this? "Went to Zahra's house with Umi and Abi. "

My forehead is cringing inside. Think about who the owner of the name is. "He who? Who is Zahra? "

Aquilah silence. A moment later he lowered his head not long after that he looked back at me. "Farzan's ex-wife."

I gulped my saliva with great difficulty. "Sister Farzan duda? "

Aquilah nodded.

My chest tightened trying to hold the tagis so as not to slide free. What is this, Allah? Farzan to his ex-wife's house?

"Why can he get divorced? "

"Mother Zahra did not approve of their relationship. At that time I did not have a job aged twenty years, obviously I was twenty-one years old still in college how about akah. So at that time Zahra's mother did not want her child to starve when our family never felt the slightest lack, father and mother's work was also good, she was too arrogant!" aqilah said. "So they had to divorce. Though Zahra should be proud to marry in droves, their age is five years adrift."

"Why did they go back to Zahra's house? "

"When they divorced in the next few months Zahra became pregnant. "

I frowned. I honestly don't understand what Aqilah said. "Ah. You must be lying right Qilah? "

"He said Zahra was pregnant with Farzan's son. "

Silence enveloped us. I have trouble breathing, my chest feels tight, my heart feels like it stopped doing his habit. I was shot a thousand bullets at the same time. I think my body is gone now, along with the end of Aqilah's words.

Why does this suffering come together? Why should it be this time?

My life is so ruined now. Mother was gone when I was born, my father had just died a few days ago, I had no family anymore so I had to marry a new man, and now that I'm having a fight with my husband maybe after this, we'll split up.

When is the end of all this? I always hoped to get through this but I was too weak, I must say failed today.

"I'm sure it's not my son. How could he have just had a fuss over this when his divorce was almost ten years old! He must have known that I already had a job and now he's a famous doctor so he sneakyly admitted to having a child from me! "

I'm silent. Lean on the couch. There's nothing I can say, I always wish it was just a dream, but my life is always upside down, where the beautiful sometimes become a dream and the bad come true.

A moment later, Aqilah hugged my body, patting my shoulder.

"Just believe me dibah, it's not my son."

My tears just came out. I lay my head on Qilah's shoulders. Hugged it tightly. "I feel like I want to leave all this behind, Qilah! How can I be patient to get through this? I have no one now! Jihan's best friend? He's getting married soon! My family? Mom and dad are gone now, "I sobbed.

Aqilah wiped my tears. "I am now your family Aqilah, you are not alone. In sha Allah I will always be with you." Aqilah rubbed my shoulders full of tenderness. "You want to eat? " ask Aqilah.

"No. Adibah sleepy now," I said.

I want to rest my body and my mind now. Looking for a way to forget all these problems for a moment.

"Jude, come on." Take me away from the couch until we get to the room. "I know how you feel right now Adibah. You know, actually I was also sad when I was slandered but I must not be selfish there is a human in my body that I must take care of his health. "

I put my body on the bed together with Aqilah. Maybe her husband is not there. I turned my body so that Aqilah would not see my face and feel pity for it.

Dear brother Farzan. I never knew how I looked at you, how much I meant to you. All I know is that I will love you all I can

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I slowly regained consciousness. I looked at the wall clock on the right side of the room that showed at 18:53. The twilight has shown itself again.

Sometimes I want to be dusk. Something that can look up to amazement and fascination, then fall in love, which you always miss, even though I leave without permission, even though it disappears without saying.

There are so many things about twilight, one can fall in love when one sees it, one who can be dazzled and more. Even my father always read a verse about twilight if not wrong.

And be patient with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and at dusk in the hope of His pleasure; and let not your eyes turn away from them (for) hope for the adornment of this world; and do not follow the man whose heart We have neglected to remember Us, and obey his desires, and his circumstances cross the line. Al-Kahf: 28

Where's Aqilah? I just remembered him! I got up from my sleep and saw from a distance a piece of paper on the nightstand. I put my feet up to see it. "Aqilahs? "

Sorry yes, I came home unattached to you directly, was Esa mas came I did not wake you afraid of disturbing, your sleep is quite sound to the point that I did not have the heart to wake you. I also had time to cook earlier, do not forget to eat yes, beware if not!

-Aqilah💜's.

I stared outside the room, it was true that he cooked first. But still the same, my appetite still does not exist. If people can starve to death, why can't I? Since our quarrel, I've never eaten.

I took my phone that was near the paper earlier. Again sending messages to Farzan occasionally contacted him as well, but still there was no answer.

I reluctantly walked towards the dining table. Sitting on a chair, checking my phone if there have been replies to messages from Farzan but still the same result is empty. Just a message from Jihan and, Fauzi.

Forget him Adibah! My inner. Then open the message from Jihan.

Jibol💕

Why not go to school? Mr. Dandy is looking for you.

I smiled, astagfirullah could-can he call his ex's name with the name of father.

Thy.

More lazy 😂

Not long ago the sound of my cell phone rang displaying Jibol's name there. I pressed the green button.

"Assalamualaikum, what's wrong? "

"Why not go to school? It was a hard math replay, so my head almost broke because of it. "

I laugh. "Capcipcup can."

"You know, Dani had time to read the hadith when the repetition began, because no one wants cheat love, which he said, 'If someone is asked about science and then he hides then he will be whipped with a whip of hell fire at the time of the apocalypse. " (H.R Abu Dawud).

I laugh. Dani has always been like this. "What else did this funny thing happen to? "

"Oh yes, Abdi. Abdi will look for answers on google, keep the volume of the phone's voice is not pushed back first so all over the classroom suddenly came because of laughter, even Suarni's mother to laugh."

"Keep the cell phone is under arrest? " i asked with the sound of laughter still left.

"Clearly, but the return time. Mother said, don't repeat it. " He's laughing. "You know Abdi's curse? "

"Yes, he knows. Mom, why girls yes if in chat sok ngartis, but reply chat will not make you pregnant."

"Keep mimic mother's face how? "

"Mother laughs and keeps Abdi's ears pulled hard."

When I was talking to Jihan on the phone, Farzan suddenly passed by. He never looked at me. If only he would see me, he might feel sorry for me.

"Geez!! " call Jihan across there to bring me back to my senses.

"It was already well, Dibah wants to eat. " I turned off the phone unilaterally, then followed Farzan.

I followed Brother Farzan who wanted to enter his room. "Sister Farzan!" call me.

He turned around, looking at me with a blank look. "What else is it? " he asked, looking at me not like it.

"How is Farzan? " i tried hard in front of him.

"I'm doing fine. "

"Why not reply to the message Dibah? "

He was silent, reluctant to look at me. "Keep me not for hating you. I just want to learn like you. Able to run the day without you"

Suddenly my tears flowed. "That I know Brother Farzan is still angry at Dibah. But if you do not intend to reply to the message of Dibah, at least read it, so that Dibah knows that the message sent has been read Farzan kak. Trust me, Dibah is very happy.

"If I could read your mind. Maybe now I know I need to continue to love you, or stop loving you. And Dibah also knew about the woman. " Bak Farzan looked at me. "Give up in the honey as long as Brother Farzan does not leave Dibah! Dibah no problem, want brother Farzan dear to the woman even Dibah will not be angry." Without replying to me, Farzan closed the door to his room and left me staring at him there.

I touched my stomach, it hurt so much. My head is also dizzy. Maybe this is because it has not eaten since a few days.

With pain I turned around intending to upgrade Farzan's room. My sight suddenly blurred suddenly turned black. I don't know what happens next with me. Maybe I'm unconscious now.

O Allah, when this is my end, I hope that Allah will make Brother Farzan forgive me and I can go quietly with my father and mother in heaven.

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"Argkrhh!! " i slammed the alarm clock on the nightstand.

Today my mood was really very chaotic. That woman, that woman is back again! He came again after it was all over! He came after I had forgotten him!

And that little girl, the girl who had to be tormented because of me. Adibah, I love her so much but why did Zahra come back when I had forgotten her! My head should be dizzy just because of Zahra.

Waitaminute! Wife, Adibah! How is he doing? How is he doing?

After leaving the room, I saw my wife lying unconscious in front of my room. He fainted, oh God! I raised my wife's head to my thigh, tried to check her pulse, then lifted her body into my room immediately.

I leaned Adibah's head against her, I looked at her face so pale, her body was also very hot and her stomach was flat because she had never eaten all day, even I had a chance to see the food that Aqilah made for Adibah was still intact untouched there.

I really can't see how he is right now. I left the room and took a compress for Adibah. When I finished, I sat next to him and then put the compress on the Adibah's eel. Her body temperature was very hot.

Suddenly Adibah's eyelids opened wide, our gazes meeting each other. He looked at me in wonder.

I swear, my tears wanted to come out when she looked at me like that. Between believe or not.

While I was busy with my troubles, I forgot my responsibilities as a husband, to the point that Adibah was as troubled as this. He must have felt very guilty because of yesterday's thing, actually I've not had a problem with it, just that I wanted to be alone yesterday-yesterday when a message from Zahra suddenly haunted my thoughts.

Suddenly Adibah touched my face. "Is this real Farzan's brother? " said Adibah blinking her eyes repeatedly. "What's the dream now?"

I shook my head while smiling bitterly. "You are not the dream of Adibah. I'm your husband. "

"Astagfirullah. Is he a demon that resembles my husband? O Allah, wake up from this dream soon" said Adibah, closing his eyes.

I feel like I want to laugh seeing her innocent languab now. I hugged Adibah's body and whispered, "You don't dream of Adibah, I'm your husband. Look at my face. " I kept my body away from Adibah.

He looked at me between believing and disbelief, then pinched my cheek hard. I grimaced in pain. "Oh Allah, is Dibah really not a dream?"

I'm nodding. "Your face is pale. "

She approached me then hugged me tightly as if unwilling to let go of her embrace and cried on my chest. "Sister Farzan forgive Adibah! Adibah Nyesel, Adibah has tried to forget Fauzi. And Dibah realized, Dibah could not live without Farzan now. Only Farzan's brother is in possession now. " He sobbed. Shoulders vibrate.

I rubbed my wife's back gently. "Don't think too much about this, after all it's over. I'm not mad at you, don't make yourself tormented by this, Adibah."

He pulled his body away from me. "And that woman. It was sincere that brother Farzan married again from brother Farzan remained with Adibah and did not leave Adibah alone again," he said enthusiastically. "Give me, Dibah can accept all the decisions of Farzan. Farzan did not go away anymore. He's not used to it like this. " He hugged me back.

"I'm sorry, Adibah, I didn't get to talk to you about this just yet. I've forgotten Zahra even I don't intend to refer her back." I raised Adibah's chin so I could look at me. There are still tears there. "What I love is you, Adibah Sakhila Atmarini. Not Zahra."

"So the ring that Farzan used at the time was the ring? " he said deliberately not to continue his words. I know where to talk next.

I'm nodding.

"Why does Farzan still wear it when Farzan doesn't like it? "

"This ring is the gift of Ustad Andi. Ustad, who took care of me until she met abi and umi, gave her two rings, the other one I love to Zahra, not knowing if the rings were still there. I can't throw away the ring she gave me" I said. "Adibahs. You're marrying a widower? "

He's nodding. "Ana uhibbuka fillah, Mr. Doctor. I want to love you because of your religion. I want to love you because of your character. I want to be with you because of God. Then accept me for His sake. My brother is your complement."

I smiled at Haru. "Ana uhibbuki please too, Adibah. Whatever you want I'll work on."

"Sister Farzan knows this is also what happened in Adibah's dream." She hugged me. "May this not be a dream."

"Aamiinu. "

"Sister Farzan is great well, it could be a doctor this fast, it's still easy again."

I chuckle. "What's wrong, I'm two years and seven."

He took his body away from me and then counted with his finger, I don't know why. He looked at me, with lips still moving.

I like to see him like this, he is very happy like yesterday.

"So different ten years brother Farzan and Dibah yah."The words I answered nodded. "Give thought it was twenty years. "

"What's your math value lace? "

He smiled stiffly. "Would not understand calculation, it should not be difficult if such a lesson. "

"The light from the ground is like that. "

"By the way, do you know Adibah's date of birth? " i nodded. "How much? "

"26 April 2001, born in Parepare. Don't you? "

"Wah kak Farzan is great. Sometimes I forget my birth date."

Astagfirullah. My inner. "When did you have this disease? "

Adibah was singing her lips. "Well, I don't know, because I forgot too. "

"I hope you never forget that I am your husband. "

"Sister Farzan should always remember this. "

●●●●●_●

"I want to love you because of your character. I want to be with you because of God. Then accept me for His sake. My brother is your complement."