Mr. HansH (Ishq Mein Marjawan)
Heartbroken

One month earlier....

In the case of expressing feelings of love to someone nearby such as a friend or - as in the case of me loving my foster brother, there are usually two opinions. One would forbid, reminding her that you could lose her if she didn't have the same feelings as you. Others will urge you to take a stand because, if you don't say it, it's not impossible that you'll miss your true love.

Unfortunately for me, I listened to the latter's opinion. I told my foster sister that I loved her.

The midnight grey eyes of Brother Sanjeev said it all: I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

"You mean?"

Maybe he didn't hear me. Maybe I should go back?

"So I said I love you."

He blinked his eyes. "You're not serious, are you?"

I could feel the thrill of death dragging my hope into the void.

"Oh, sorry, Zia. Maybe I'm the wrong one. You mean, you love me as a brother, right? Love and love, it's the same thing. So, yes, Zia, I love you too and love you. You're the only family I have right now. You're the best brother, the best sister, and I love you so much."

It's so sorry for me. This is truly a mistake.

"Zia's? What's up?"

"That's not what I mean."

"God. Zia, you... didn't mean...?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, Brother."

"Oh my God, how is that possible?"

Sirna has a typical smile of Kak Sanjeev who for a while ago stuck so firmly on his face. Change the look I don't recognize, but I know it's not a good sign.

"S-how long have you been...?"

I lowered my gaze towards the plant in the pot next to our table. "Emm. It's been a long time, actually."

Maybe I should have worn something more that exudes the aura of a "potential girlfriend" today? And not by using a mask that covers my face as if I had prepared myself for this rejection.

But free, judging from the horrified look on Kak Sanjeev's face, it would make no difference if I sat opposite him wearing a famous designer dress and a diamond strand or a regular dress. Again, this is a mistake....

"Sister?"

"But we're brothers, Zia."

"Yes, of course. I'm...."

Smooth like godam. This rejection will never be forgotten from my memory. "I'm sorry, Brother. I'm mistaken. Look, forget what I said, okay?"

He stared at his latte as if the drink had just insulted him. "I don't know what reaction you're expecting from me. But you just said it, right? I mean, that's what it says."

I looked around the crowded coffee shop. The place was crowded with Christmas shoppers grumbling and crowding over too small tables and sitting on chairs that selfishly and unknowingly they had snatched away from guests who come alone and are easily deceived. "I don't think there's anything to worry about, brother. No one heard it. No one here knows us."

Unfortunately the babble I threw was not my best effort. I put down my mask and I swallowed a big mouthful of coffee hoping to die.

Sanjeev shook his head. "That's not important. I-i heard. Oh, Zia, why are you saying that? Why can't you...?"

I'm staring. "Can't what?"

"Not said anything? I mean, don't just say it. Really, why me? Why burden me?"

I hate the panic in her eyes. He's never looked at me like that before. In my century-old daydream of the present, the events are very different: Oh, Zia, I have loved you for a long time. If you don't tell me, we'll never find true love.

"We're fine as usual, aren't we? I mean, if our relationship is good, why should it be changed? I can't believe you could've thought this was such a good idea."

Well, sorry, but that's it. Somewhere between my ridiculous and obviously deceived heart and my ridiculous big mouth, my brain was knocked out and I - this mad man - found myself consumed with persuasion that I might be the answer to his dreams. That perhaps the reason for so much time we spent together - days of laughter and heart-to-heart chatter late into the night - was because we were destined for more than just that brothers.

Of course, I can't tell him all this. Shame steals intelligent arguments out of my brain so that back then, in a cafe full of people who didn't care what I was going to say, I guess all I could say was: 'cause:

"Sorry."

Sanjeev shook his head. "I didn't think this would happen. I thought we were brothers, that's all. But this, this is weird...."

"I. I can't say anything. I'm really sorry, Brother."

He looked at me, confusion covering his eyes. "I-I didn't mean to...."

I shook my head and put my mask back in its place. Now, tears welled up even though I was desperately trying to hold her back.

"Geez, Zia, I'm sorry. You need to give me time to digest all this."

I turned my face and focused on the suffering-looking couple who were talking fiercely at the next table over large glasses of lively-looking coffee with lots of cream on it. "You don't appreciate me" said the woman. Right now, I know exactly how she feels.

"The problem," Sanjeev said, "during this time, you and I, the two of us, you understand, right? You were adopted by my mother from childhood. From the edge of the forest, a little boy about four years old, was brought home by my mother and made my sister. Since then we've been brothers. But now...." He was making absurd excuses and he knew it. He mendesa* deep. "I'm sorry. I'm not so sure how to deal with this. But for sure, even if our mother is gone, it will not change our brotherhood. Nothing's gonna change. You and I are still sisters. I'm your brother. And, you, you have to control your feelings. Okay well? Control yourself."

It's so bad -- enough I've heard. I got up, the immense pain and crushing shame pushed my body out of the chair. I opened my mouth to say a heartfelt farewell, but nothing came out. Instead, I turned around and ran, my toes stumbled on the next guest chair and stumbled across various types of tiled grocery bags, barely dragging a baby stroller filled with belongings with me as I fled in a very ungainly manner from the coffee shop towards the busy street behind it, the famous Christmas Market in Birmingham.

I'm stupid! After this, how can I show my face in front of Brother Sanjeev? Obviously I have nowhere else I can go but to go home.

Oh my God, this love and pain of my heart is just as great.

But he's innocent, Zia. Just show her that you love her so much without being reciprocated. For the sake of the mother who raised you, she wants you to love her son - a heartfelt love like her mother's love for you. Just fulfill that request. Don't mind if your feelings are unrequited. Please, Zia. You definitely can. Pleases....