Hello Arvin!
Decisions
No one ever knows the true heart and head of a person. It could be that the person looks cheerful on the outside, but keeps a lot of sadness inside him.
Same with Nara. The moon changed, until the year passed quickly, but his heart still remained the same. It was as if it had turned gray and died. He still held the wound of great loss and guilt.
She used to wish she could repeat time, be a better person and take care of her child wholeheartedly.
Had she been able to get rid of the hatred and thought of aborting her womb, perhaps the little baby was now in her arms. Deep down, Nara has not been able to forgive herself.
Arvin said if his employment contract was up they would move back to Indonesia, less than 2 months later they would go home. Nara's heart grew riled up, with this return.
Every time he discussed the matter of returning home, Arvin always included his desire to have children, assuming that later they would be given confidence again. Nara is not ready, not knowing when her heart is ready. The shadow of failure and loss still lurks his mind.
Lipped, Nara may be able to say his willingness to Arvin. But in her heart, Nara was afraid. It felt like I wanted to continue hiding here and cancel the preparations for the return. Although until now Nara can never say this objection to Arvin, because her husband is so hoping to have children back someday.
Nara has been at Baia The Italian since 30 minutes ago. The restaurant near Darling Harbour looks quiet. He sat waiting for his old friend who happened to meet in photography class 6 months ago. They suddenly deket because they experience almost the same experience related to pregnancy.
The blonde-haired woman with a tall stature walked over and smiled towards Nara. Then sit in front of him.
“Thank you for waiting,” he said with an Australian accent.
“No problem,” answered Nara. They then chatted with each other after months of not seeing each other.
Nicole is 3 years older than Nara. They were on the same team when they took a photography class at one of the spots in Sydney Harbour. Then they became close after Nicole recounted the reason for taking her photography class at the time, to take her mind off the grief of losing a baby in her womb.
She had a miscarriage at 4 months pregnant. Previously she also felt very burdened with the pregnancy, because everything was not planned. Nicole breaks up with her boyfriend who has already impregnated her. Although they eventually return and Nicole begins to care for her baby, it is unfortunate that her pregnancy is in trouble and the baby dies.
After hearing that, Nara also told about her heavy loss. He still has nightmares until now. Therefore they become close and often exchange stories.
“You'll be home next month to Indonesia, right?”
“Yups. Maybe now the last meeting. I'll be busy preparing for home.”
“It's okay. We can continue chatting via Skype later. I can't wait for your story to start a pregnancy program back like me.”
Nara was silent for a moment, looking doubtful. Nicole is now pregnant with her second child. After recuperating and accepting her loss, Nicole begins a pregnancy program again.
“I... Feeling unsure of wanting to have a child back,” replies Nara honestly.
“Why? Isn't it that you and your husband are looking forward to having another child?”
“My husband wants it. I can't, still scared to get pregnant again. Even though I've consulted a psychologist, I still can't let go of the guilt of ever rejecting his existence.”
“I know what it feels like. But Nara, if you keep feeling guilty for life and don't want to move on. You will regret missing the opportunity to make new memories. You see me now? I really enjoyed every second of it, waiting for my baby to grow, and was very happy. Although I don't know what will happen later, but I try to better take care of him. Not like I used to do.”
Nicole stroked her stomach which still looked flat. Nara also felt that happiness emanating from her face. Unlike when he first met, Nicole looked gloomy.
“What if you fail again?”
“I'll be heartbroken. But will try to come back until the doctor says I can't get pregnant anymore.”
Nara smiled hearing that. Although she couldn't imagine failing to keep her baby the way she used to, what kind of heartbreak she would feel.
“You still feel guilty for trying to abort your first content even though you are now pregnant again?”
What Nicole said was correct. Nara was always bad-minded and afraid to start over. Locked in feelings of guilt and fear. Though if he dared to step, maybe the same happiness that Nicole felt could also happen to him.
“You know, the mother's emotions can be felt by the fetus, making it difficult to grow and even affect her life after birth. Maybe that's why our pregnancies didn't work out and they chose to go first, because we refused and weren't happy with her existence. Now I will pay more attention to how I feel. Stay positive and happy, so that the baby I bear also feel it.”
...****************...
Nara had prepared dinner for Arvin when he came home. Now the cooking ability is better, it can even be comparable to Arvin cuisine. Not in vain she took cooking classes every Saturday afternoon for 8 months.
Arvin finished his bath and immediately sat down at the small dining table in the pantry. As usual, Arvin always let his hair wet after bathing. Seeing that always upset Nara.
“Can you not want your hair first if you wash it off? Water netes-netes to food, Vin!” nara was upset. He picked up a towel and rubbed Arvin's wet hair.
“Intentionally let you who want.” Arvin bribed his minestrone and his mouth with vigor.
“Such janja. Later if you are already a father how to try if spoiled like gini?”
Arvin stopped chewing the food, he turned around and looked at Nara who was still busy drying her hair. During this time Arvin did often talk about his desire to have children again. Although Nara's response was good, she knew that his wife still had doubts and fears in her heart. Until now only Arvin who often discussed it, while Nara locked the desire tightly in the heart.
“You will still have a lot of leave, how about before returning to Indonesia we take a week trip to Japan?” nara proposed. “Sambil make adek baby.” He whispered in Arvin's ear. End with the most charming smile.
“Without safety?”
Nara nodded.
“Why go all the way to Japan? Why not now?”
“Let there be a reason for a holiday..,” said Nara teasingly. “And let you be curious, because if now I am red day. I'll give you a special one later.” Nara continued while chuckling.
Arvin raised one eyebrow. “What is special? Do you want to play AV?”
“Dih carelessly! His slovenly thoughts continue, Mr Boss!” Nara closed Arvin's eyes with a wet towel. Then sit down to eat.
“Ra, I'm sorry if I always talk about children continuing with you. I actually don't have to have children. If you're afraid to get pregnant again, I understand.” Arvin stared fixedly at his wife who was chewing food.
“I made up my mind. I'm gonna try again, Vin. I think if I continue to feel sad and guilty until I can not move forward, maybe I will not miss the opportunity to be a mother. Although I do not know it will run smoothly or not.”
Arvin still kept staring at his wife, trying to digest this chatter. Nara seemed more relaxed about this than she used to be. It seems that she has indeed made the decision to start the pregnancy program again.
“But Vin, if one day I'm not given a chance to be a mother. No chance of having a baby and failing to like it again. You will still love me, ‘kan?”
“You want to do this again for fear that I don't love you anymore? Are you afraid that I will leave you because you can't have children?”
Nara shakes. “I just thought, what if my fate is as rich as Bu Lena. You'll find my replacement for the birth of a child and continue your business no?”
“I'm not like my dad. I love children, I really want to have children, and we marry also for child reasons. But I would never have left you if you couldn't give me descent. No problem of corporate soap and wealth. Angga can continue. The most important thing I'm the same you keep.”
Nara smiled. The words that were very exaggerated and impressed with the dreadlocks made his heart calmer. What will be in front of them, no one knows. Including the words that had just slid from Arvin's mouth, could he prove it in the future?
Nara tried to believe it.