Deposits
- Kania's Suffering and Keisha-Hind

“The world is very unfair to the one called love. Some are smooth running and some are running mode. Depending on each fate of each person who gets love as to what it is.”

- Canary

Keish:

The time is still 22:50. But from that moment I yawned withstanding a very remarkable drowsiness. I drank coffee so I wouldn't sleep.

I want to wait for Andri to come home. I wanted to wait for him at the door with a smile and hugged him so tightly that I was short of breath because I was holding so deep a longing.

But today I can only wait for him in the room while yawning incessantly. Maybe I should sleep for a while first to relieve this drowsiness. But before that I set off the alarm on my phone at half-time 1pm. So I can wake up and wait for Andri on the porch.

I don't know why I get this sleepy, when I can usually hold it. Is this because of the yoga effect? Hem, maybe, could be. But it's okay, while it's still early I have to sleep first in order to wake up earlier.

I haven't waited for him in a long time and now is the exact day I let go of Andri's longing. My husband could make me miss like this. This longing is already unbearable due to the breakup of these few weeks.

Understandably, is it okay to miss our legitimate partner? And for me it doesn't matter as long as there's nothing forbidding and no one is jealous of this feeling.

Ahh, it feels like waiting for time at 1pm I think it will be a long time. I'd better get some sleep first. I wish I woke up right where my phone alarm went off. I turned off the headlights and turned on the sleeping lights. Not forgetting I prayed to sleep and then pulled the blanket to my body.

It feels like the smile on my lips is not down as well. I'm so happy with what I've been waiting for all this time. This pleasure was too intense in my heart. And I think I can sleep peacefully tonight.

Have a good night, Keisha. Your husband will come to you again. The weeks you've missed him will pay off already with his arrival. Be patient for a few more hours. You're gonna meet him.

Andri:

“Haaaaaaaaahh!” I took that long, rough breath.

It felt like the burden in my heart just felt out when me and Kania set foot in this Indonesian airport. Kania was smiling beside me with her hand still holding my hand tightly. I returned the smile as I rubbed her cheek gently.

“We've arrived sweetheart,”

“Iya, Mas. Finally, we come back here again.”

“And we'll be apart for a while. We stayed in touch as usual until I told Keisha,”

Kania nodded slowly, “Iya Mas, just slowly. May your wife allow me to be your partner despite being second.” I tighten my grip.

“Amin, babe. Yaudah, the taxi is waiting. Come,” I pulled Kania's hand towards the taxi car that had been booked by me before I left for Indonesia.

Not a waste of time just waiting for the car.

On the way, I still held his hand. Kania leaned her head against my shoulder. I think he's very tired of this long journey. Let it be, this journey also makes us learn with the name of patience and loyalty. Let him and I face it together. That's how you run what's called a relationship. Not only do you know you like it, but there is suffering in it as well. Is that not what is called a trial in every human relationship. And I'm sure that Kania and I can get through it together.

Let what happened yesterday in Paris be forgotten for a moment. I don't want to think too much about it or I might even doubt the relationship I've chosen for so long.

His name is also a relationship will not escape with the name of the problem. The more problems the stronger the relationship between us. I'm pretty sure of that.

I saw the clock on my phone screen, time has shown midnight in Indonesia. I arrived at exactly half 1 o'clock in the country. Maybe I'll be at 1pm at home, because before that I have to take Kania first in her apartment.

I looked at Kania who was closing her eyes and then I stroked her hair slowly.

“Capek?” he nodded slowly.

“Sorry Mas ya Kan,” Kania immediately looked up at me with his face that was not understood.

“The events in Paris ruined our moment, forgive also the words of my mother and sister. I don't know if they can both say that to you. I hope you don't hate my mother and sister. After all, they belong to your family. So, please respect them both Kan, because they are both very dear family even though they do not consider Mas there,”

Kania just fell silent without answering my words. He turned his eyes out the window. I don't know why he just kept quiet like this. What did I say to him that something was wrong?

“Kan?”

Canary:

Is wrong!

Of course your words are wrong!

I am also a human like you. Who is not hurt by the words of those two who have been spoken to me. I know they're your mother and sister, but can't you see the pain in my heart when they say that to me?

The actor?

Seize results?

Should they say that to me?

I know, I realized that I took my husband from my friend. But I didn't tease Andri!

We both like it, I also asked for a break up but Andri himself did not want to break up with me. Would it be appropriate for the actor to be against me while I was not flirting with Andri at all?

Have they not insulted me even though I have become their family even though they do not acknowledge my own existence.

And just so easily Andri said that they belong to my family? Yes I know. Why do I consider them while they do not consider me at all. What do I get from this Bagaskara family? Is it only Andri's own love I get? While just the beginning I have been getting humiliation after a long time I live not given humiliation by anyone.

Is this the way of life I have been given by the Lord?

“Kan?” call him.

I still did not turn my head and continued to look at the highway that looked deserted. Only one or two cars passed on the highway. The rest is nobody. Most shops are closed. I don't know what I saw on this highway, I just deliberately wanted to avoid what Andri said before.

I intend not to discuss all this, why Andri even discuss this? Makes my mood go back to bad as before. The heartache I was harboring was now sliced back even though it was not bleeding at all. Does he not understand my feelings at this time?

Andri pulled my chin softly and the gazes we both met. I turned my eyes back but Andri quickly held her back. “Kan? Why?” ask her with a face of astonishment.

“Mas can still ask why?”

“What's the matter, baby? Is it because of what I said?” I just looked up and threw my eyes back at the highway.

“Mas is like this because you want to be close to the Mas family, baby. Who knows, the mother and Ade who initially did not like our relationship even became like. It could happen, don't you want to?”

“I want Mas, I really want it!” my words with a slight jerk made Andri speechless to see my emotions that are currently becoming dusty. “I really want the blessing of your mother and sister, but what do I get? I get humiliation from both of them. I get words that no one else has ever spoken to me. Now, I got it from my husband's own family. Is that worth it, Mommy? Is it worth saying to his own son-in-law?” I continued with a very hoarse voice holding back the cry that really wanted to break right now but I could hold it.

It's enough that these two days I shed tears because of the humiliation I've gotten. My life will never be happy, it can only be wrapped in wounds. It's free if I have everything, if I don't get the happiness I want I have like everyone else.

Andri grabbed my hand and grasped it very tightly making my explosive emotions finally go down by itself.

“Im sorry Yes Kan, I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're feeling right now. This is just want you and your family to get along. It's true we're on the wrong path. We got married behind Keisha without her knowledge and without her permission.”

I turned my head quickly towards Andri when I heard the extremely sensitive words in my ears. “Mas said what? We're on the wrong road? On the wrong road you mean?” I repeated the sensitive words to Andri. Andri again silenced not to sound seeing my emotions back explosive.

“So you think our marriage is on the wrong road? If Keisha's knowledge and permission this marriage is on the right path, do you mean Mas?”

“Kania, that's not what Mas meant. Listen to Mas first yes, not like that.”

“Then what do you mean Mas?!” my snapping.

My tears came out on their own. It feels like I can't be held back anymore, my emotions are out of control. This makes me a very emotional person.

“Kan,” Andri grabbed my hand but I brushed it off strongly.

“So, the wedding we have done is wrong Mas? Then what's right? If this wedding is on the wrong road why are you doing it? Why don't you just let go of me! Why did you decide to marry me if this was all wrong!!”

“Kania, please calm down first. That's not what I mean by Kan,”

I wiped my tears quickly, “Have come Mas, I don't want to hear your words anymore. Now it's up to you to take where this wedding is. Continued or not. I'm tired, tired of the humiliation your family has given me Mas!”

“Kania! Don't talk like that!”

“Where are you going Kania?”

“I want to go home, you just go home there. Meet your wedding that went right!” then I went out and slammed the door. Before that, I stupefied and pulled out my suitcase inside. The car passed from before me.

It feels so painful if it's like this. It feels so exhausting if my life is always like this. There's never been any happiness I've ever had if it's always been like this. Me? I can only laugh with the suffering I get. Laughing with the inexhaustible absurdity of life. It's so funny my world.

Andri:

I could only stay in the car with a straight look ahead. My mind's gone somewhere I don't care.

My little quarrel with Kania left me unable to do anything more. My words that I shouldn't have said instead I spewed so easily to Kania.

Though not even a day of problems yesterday, now I return to discuss it. As if it had gotten a wound even sprinkled with salt on it. Makes the pain back painful. That's how Kania feels right now.

I could only rub my face in frustration. Breath came out of my mouth many times. The dizziness in my head was attacking me.

“Take a nap Mas,” said the driver broke the silence in the car making me open both my eyes which are currently closed.

“No sleepiness Sir,”

“Sorry yes Mas, I heard all the conversations Mas same Ma'am earlier.”

I reviewed the thin, forced smile to the rearview mirror of the car above so I could see the two eyes of the driver who was looking at me too. “It's okay Sir,”

“Maybe her Ma'am needs time alone Mas. Let it be, don't go near him. If Mas approached him who had his Mbak even made a decision to Mas who did not-no,” I can only be silent not answer the words of the driver.

“Hem, I'm sorry if I'm sassy with my question. Was that the new wife? You mean I have two wives?”

I saw the rearview mirror that the driver's eyes were looking at me timidly. “Sorry yes Mas, if Mas does not want to answer it is also okay kok.”

Breathing came out of my mouth.

“It's okay Sir. And yes, that was my new wife. I'm remarried.”

“Indeed the old wife of Mas has died or what?”

“No sir, my old wife is still there.”

“Why am I getting married again?”

“Yes because I love my wife who is now Mr.”

“If the old don't love that Mas?”

“Love is also Sir, it's just that I love both.”

“Mas does not let go of one of them and instead has both, so?” I saw a frown that looked in the rearview mirror on the driver's forehead. I don't think he understands why I decided to get married again.

“Hem, yes you can say so sir. I can't let go of my old wife or my current wife. I love both.”

“Hem, so yes. By the way What does it work for?”

“I Ceo one of the companies I founded Sir.”

“Indeed right people said yes Mas,”

“Why Pak?”

“Males will be tested when it has everything. Like at the moment, it is natural. The old wife accompanied Mas from below until Mas was above now. But now when Mas was above, Mas instead shared the happiness that Mas should give happiness to an old wife but Mas instead for it to another woman.” I was silent when the driver was lecturing me. I don't know why I don't hurt to hear his words. That is true.

“If I may pass Mas's advice, I'd better tell my old wife that Mas is married again don't hide all this. If Mas does not tell this to Mas's wife slowly but surely Mas's current marriage will not be a blessing and Mas's life will slowly be ruined,” he said again.

“I will definitely tell Sir, it's just that I need more time because I know if I tell you this now even makes my wife hurt.”

“Wife who will not be hurt to hear a partner who should live as if instead have another partner in his heart. If even later Mas's wife agreed to Mas's marriage with the others. Do not misrepresent Mas, if Mas's wife is not hurt. Lipped she can still smile looking at you with the others but not with her heart Mas. He has cut the wound on his heart forever. The hope of aging together was destroyed instantly with the other wife Mas. Mas would not know that if Mas himself did not know the feelings of Mas wife.”

I kept quiet hearing the driver. Trying to digest what he has said at this time. I don't know why now I'm even thinking about Keisha's feelings when I'm going to tell her about my marriage to Kania. Keisha might accept this marriage but she will definitely get hurt because of me.

Will men be tested when they have everything? Those words happen to me now and are true. I already have everything from property, position and the woman who always accompanied me is Keisha. A very loyal woman even though I betrayed her in the back.

But I'm adding another woman? Why do I feel that I am always lacking? Could it be because I feel less grateful for what I already have?

“Mas?” I was shocked because of my daydream.

“Ah, Yes Sir?”

“Sorry yes if my words make Mas think this way. I put it this way because I care about Mas even though Mas is nobody I.”

I smiled faintly to the driver, “Thank you Sir for giving me advice.” The driver returned my smile.

“Sama-sama Mas,”

“By the way, I have a wife how many?”

“Hehehe, if I were just one Mas.”

“Do not intend to add again Sir?”

The driver laughed making me grimace to see it, “Hahahaha, no Mas. I don't want to add another wife. I am even grateful to my wife who now, because when I knew her I had nothing and she instead wanted to accept me with a treasure that did not have a penny. I wanted to ask him and he accepted very happily. My wife is the one who accompanies me from hard or happy. He did not leave me one bit, he was always patient by my side. Every day I pray. I don't want abundant treasure, but I want to have a happy family in the world and in the end.” Obviously at length.

I saw the driver's expression in the rearview mirror, his face was a bright smile. I don't know why I'm ashamed of him. He can be loyal to his partner until he is as old as he is today. While I was young even unfaithful to my partner who had been faithful to accompany me.

I can not imitate the attitude of the mother who always accompanied the father's alm from hard until he was successful. Until the death of the sickly father, the mother had no intention at all to leave the father's alm alone. Until now the mother remains alone and there is no thought to find a replacement for the father's alm even though there is no world.

It should be from the life experience I have gone through, I have to take his silver. I was blind and deaf to what had happened. It was as if it were all just the wind. I just want to get the heavenly satisfaction of this mortal world. It is not the heavenly hereafter that is eternal forever.

I, like any other human being, can be aware of what has happened but will return to doing so again when everything feels intoxicating. Because I'm basically not equipped with strong faith. I am a human being who easily wavers with temptation in this world.

“Mas?” call him that driver.

“Heuh? Yes Sir?”

“It's here,” I look out and stop right in front of my house. It turned out that my daydream was long enough that I did not realize that I had reached my home. This time my mind is really everywhere and my body is in this car.

“Hem, thank you sir. Here's the money,” I gave him hundreds of bills.

“Returned Mas,”

“No need sir, just take it for gaffer.”

“Thank you yes Mas,”

I smiled and got out of the car as well as the driver who quickly opened the trunk and took the suitcase out of the trunk. Then the driver got back into the car and passed from before me at a rapid speed.

Now I have reached my own home. The most comfortable house I have ever been and the house that always sheltered me when I was so tired. But now I'm betraying this house because I have another one. Really, I don't deserve to go into this house. A home that always gives me comfort as long as I live.

Before I entered the house, I did not forget to take oxygen as deep as possible and exhale so roughly. It carries such a burden in it.

My feet went into the house, very dark. Where's Keisha? Did he forget that today I was coming? No way, because I told him a few days ago. He must be waiting for me.

I set my foot into the room, only in the room it was very bright. I think he's sleeping. I smiled, my heart was beating fast. Is it because I'm going to meet him or because I'm afraid my mistakes are being discovered. I don't understand my feelings now.

I walked into the room and I saw Keisha sitting with her hair in her pigtail. He saw me and stood up from his seat. Both of his gazes were glazed as he looked at me, “Mas Andri,” called him soft. That voice, the one I miss so much. A voice that always makes me excited when I'm tired. Now, I heard it again as I dodged the sound.

The suitcase I was holding just let go. I miss my wife so much, I miss her so much. Slowly but surely I approached her then I hugged her very tightly. He hugged me very tightly too. He came out of his mouth, crying. Keisha crying.