FIZAH (Female Kolong Garbage)
PART 121 "Poor the Sky"
*ratna
Debum my heart's hammering. Produces a rhythm of fret and restlessness. The wind was acting happy. The sky makes me jealous. She should have cried with me. But, this full night just makes him excited. Since dusk was displaced from his side, the moon took over the eastern throne, right in front of me now. The full moon hangs like a lamp. Then, the stars moved to accompany him. I'm hugging tonight alone. I looked at my stomach growing. There's a human life I don't want. History will record him as a child who does not have a father. Normally the destiny of man, there should be a man who is now sitting beside me as a lawful husband, fathering my son. Then, the name of Mr. Su urged my thought. I tried hard to stop the puddle that kept spilling over, spilling over my cheek.
When I heard the news of Yazeed coming home from Banyuwangi, my heart was always depressed. She always told me that her need to go there was to sort out my and Fizah's problems with Mr. Su. Many times I told her to go home to a quieter place, but she always haunts me every night. How many times have I scolded her not to follow me, for I was uncomfortable. I was reluctant to greet him even though his persuasion whispered to make me an experience of your life. I dodged. I covered my ears so as not to listen to the shoes bothering my ears.
"Receive your fate!" Aynur.
I cower. I leaned the left side of my head against the door frame.
"It's susumu. Yazeed reminded me not to forget to drink it. Don't say it's over."
"Why should I nourish him if I never wanted him in this world myself?"
Aynur sat beside me.
"Don't sit there!"
"Why?" He dropped his ass. Standing again.
"Sitting there is not you."
"Who? The man who made you so hard to fight alone now? You're stupid."
When I look up. Our view is just as serious.
"He's him again. You know what not? I'm so scared to hear it." I raised my tone.
Aynur gripped my chin. Rounding his eyes was like he was going to swallow me alive.
"Don't be a stupid woman. If I thought like you, I might be dead by now. The world is too beautiful to be missed. Look at the people around you! They hold on for what they expect. Don't you have any hope?"
Our breaths are silent.
"I ask you not to bother me first, Nur. We're different. Don't equate me with you. I do realize your misfortune in life, but we have different powers. Let me be like this first, Nur." I turned my face away from her. My chest was hot hearing him advise me. It was as if she felt her life was much worse. She might be a much stronger woman so she could get through it.
Aynur left without leaving a word.
"Oh my God, I have started to worship diligently, but why is there no calm?"
Yes, when I realized that other people's lives were more ruined than mine, I realized I should be grateful. But, if I recall my past, there's only that hate-filled claustrophobia. I swore repeatedly in my mind, may his life never be quiet for life. I snorted, it was good that he died. Yazeed's advice immediately oppressed me, do not let your heart be dirty because of hate and send a message to the Prophet. My eyes are back. I closed it so it could completely fall off. The war of truth and falsehood is back in my mind and in my chest.
I'm looking. "Yeahaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?" I'm tergugu. Crying kecer. I want to get all this hurt and anger down, but to whom? I put my hand on the floor. Even the pain was still unable to replace the incision in my chest that was gaping back. I growl. I felt the heat all over my body. Like it's on fire.
"You've been drinking milk? Have you eaten fruit and fish?"
I'm turning. Like Yazeed asked. The silhouette of his body was immersed among the light of the courtyard lights. He just returned from Banyuwangi. Behind him footsteps are trailing. Anxiety was attacking me. Who is the man behind her? But, when that step started to align to the left of Yazeed, my breath was released right then and there.
The doctor smiled and waved his hand. So did Yazeed. He repeated his question. Then, I shook my head.
"Yazeed, is Mr Su dead? He's been taken out?"
"No. But, just keep it up, Na."
"Where can I calm down, Yaz? Can you see my stomach? He will be born without a father." I kept raising the tone in front of him. I don't give a shit. My hope now is that Mr. Su will soon disappear from the face of this earth.
"Your meeting with Doctor Maher has been missed several times. Talk to him. I'll stay, Doc."
"You can stay here, Gus." Doctor Maher is well mannered. It sounds like the wind. He also sat.
"Take a deep breath, don't let it out."
"Well, what kind of doctor?" many spontaneous. Laughing reflexes.
"Well, that laughs, right? That trying to please yourself is better for mental and physical health than burdening yourself with hard thinking." Doctor Maher started advising me as usual.
"Hubbun nafs. Love yourself" Yazeed said.
"That's real. By knowing our own limits, which ones are good and if they have a negative impact on our hearts and minds, it becomes an attempt to love ourselves. Who can value ourselves more than anything else, is none other than ourselves."
"God gives you power that no one else has. Right now you're just not aware" Yazeed added.
"These two men?" my inner. I looked at them one by one.
"You're not a girl like me, Yaz. The doctor can only see my condition, not my heart." When my feelings were at ground zero, the advice sounded like a roar of ridicule. Like a sentence that urges my sadness and anger to get even higher. There is no ordinary word that should be a motivation.
"Rabella?" Yazeed hunkered in front of me. He poked my gaze with a purpose I could not understand. But, that view offered a suggestion that I would condescend my speech and reduce my anger. Yes I suddenly became more aware after he looked at me like this, whether it had become a look at how much.
"Yaz, help me, Yaz." I grabbed his shirt. I hit my head on his chest.
"OK okay." He tried to let me go immediately.
"Look we did everything hubbun nafs did. Whatever way. You're free to express." He held both of my shoulders for a moment, then quickly let go.
Now the two men in front of me are trying to persuade me. But, the explosion of anger in my chest still left the heat.
"What do you most want to do now?" ask Doctor Maher.
I'm staring.
"I want to go back to playing the piano and dancing."