FIZAH (Female Kolong Garbage)
PART 132 "The Heart"

*Hafizah Palace

I'm staying at ndalem. I need to calm down. Meeting a crowd when my heart was this upset, I wasn't ready. I went into Ufi's room while she was in the kitchen frying something.

I sat in front of the mirror for a few minutes. But I found no faith there. I'm the one who doesn't realize, I'm the one who isn't ready to accept reality, or those who are expecting Tsaniya's return so much that they have to make things clear to my mother? My insecurities coexist with the worry they won't be ready to accept my past. What will it be later? What would be the dignity of this family if I were a real woman of the pesantren, who grew up in the hands of village women? This pesantren was built by the power of the wise kiai, hero'i, and alim. Is when everything is strongest later and I proved to be the second daughter of hisui ma'am, am I accepted? If my family accepts, will the santri-santri consider me part of this family? Gusti, I'm afraid they're hurt. I can't explain everything. Right now I can only pray, that this birthmark is just an ordinary birthmark that has nothing to do with this family.

I slammed my ass into the bed. I couldn't calm down even though I had been hindering him with prayers. The story brought by Mr. Kabi and Mrs Syawa seemed to be a proof of reinforcement. Kurebah. I turned my eyes to the ceiling. I heard santri teaching using jiharkah song. So spoonful. That melancholy rhythm urges my turmoil. My mother's face was very strong. How much my mother loved me. Is it true that my mother never mentioned this, it's because my mother didn't want to get away from me? The rhythm continues to be echoed until the sentence la tahzan innallaha ma'ana. Cry broke. Shoot to the cheek. There's no sobs. I held it in, but the warmth spread all over my face. Maybe my face is red.

Kugali once again. What am I really afraid of? Split with mom? Worried about my past? Worried this family got hurt? I flinch for a few seconds. I seem to worry about myself more. I'm not a brave girl. My heart twitched. I insist on maintaining my own pride when I've fallen into a disgusting past. Unsettled. I'm not calm one bit. My emanation of not wanting to look low in the eyes of others overcame my anxiety about parting with my mother. I clenched myself. There was a stench that appeared out of nowhere. It's so dirty of me. Kuremas-remas bed linen. I knocked out my fist. My chest's busted. My heart is in pain. My head's dizzy.

"Sir, let's eat yok!"

I turned my position around quickly. I rubbed slowly with my hood.

With his carefree spirit, Madam Ufi again offered me a meal. He wants me to accompany him.

"Here I brought the tramp. The portions are intentionally I lot. Eat up!" The tray rubbed against the floor. I kept quiet pretending to sleep. Then, he approached me. Touching my right arm.

"Mbak, sleeping to? Don't sleep looo." He grunts.

I felt the puff of Ufi Brother's breath so close to my cheek.

"Ih, it's mah pretending to sleep its name. Come wake up Ma'am! If I pretend to be gini. What's up, anyway?" He's clucking.

I don't care about it.

"I fried nugget lo, Ma'am. Cute pol. Gus Fakhar bought yesterday. Nugget ama rolade's. Duuuha. I'm drooling iki (this) loo, pehh."

Spontaneously he slapped my ass and said, "Sauffer." He forced me to wake up.

I pretend to blink. "What's lo, Ma'am? You're bothering me to sleep." I watched my disgraceful mimic. I had a blanket to cover my face.

"Sek sek (bentar moment). Why is your face red? Abis shrouded by ants what cry? Hayoo. Here I want to see!" He pulled the blanket.

I used both palms of my hands. But Ufi did not give up wanting to see my face. Until he finally tickled me and poked at me. I automatically thrashed. I said enough.

"Abis nangis yo?"

I'm shaking.

"Well, if not cry. Now we eat. Me-kan!" One last word he seemed to be dictating to me. He pulled both my hands. My reluctant body made him have to moan annoyed and a little energetic.

"Ning what?"

"Ning nong neng gung pak bayan's. Sego corn ora doyan." He's laughing to himself. Seeing my cheeks slightly rise because it was holding back a laugh, he grew even more excited by pointing at me.

I hit his arm as hard as I could. "Cliad."

"Wis let's eat! I'm luwe (hunger). Already drooling. The smell of the rollers was very tempting. Yummy's very."

I almost fell down if I didn't drop my leg quickly. Because Ufi ma'am pulled my right hand fast. Told me to sit on the floor.

He took his rice first. Directly use hands. Showing his food delicacy. His expression was impressed so that I was interested. Eyes closed. "Gusti, nice pol iki (this). There's no match." I think Ufi was just deliberately teasing me. He put rice in his mouth three times, but I was still reluctant. His gaze was straight at the color of the fried rolade being too tanned.

I looked at the Abandoned Ufi Master with my gaze. "Sir Fi, how do you think I am?"

"Where's piye?" Without looking. He's biting his nugget.

"What is rich?"

"Man, be human." He's still a bitch. His hunger overpowered the expression he was showing at this moment.

"What is my goat."

"You're a girl. You are abdi ndalem. You are santri Abah and Ummik. You're the girl proposed by the handsome guy. Gus Yazeed and the Lecturer."

"That's not what I mean."

Ufi just looked at me. "Keep what?"

"What if I were Gus Fakhar's brother?"

"Well, if from your question it seems you are ready to accept the reality, deh. Yes I'm dong. Nyai Marem ma'am, I'm also marem. Sad to know, Ma'am, look at Miss Nyai crying herself pas tahajudan with me. If it's bad Bu Nyai galau, Miss Nyai choose tahajudan with me. I don't want anyone else to understand that Ms. Nyai is really sad. The same kid himself must be missing. So, if Miss Nyai expects you to want a DNA test it's natural. Ms. Nyai actually already knew from yesterday-yesterday if you have the birthmark. But, the arrival of Mr. Kabi and Bu Syawa who made Bu Nyai ensure it to your parents, Ma'am. Just calm down. What's wrong if you turn out to be Gus Fakhar's sister. You're my ningku." He's grandiose again. Tells me to be grandiose too.

"Eat first let it not spaneng."

He looked at me while chewing.

"What indeed? Want to be this pesantren family? Honestly, yes, I myself have a feeling the possibility that you are Gus Fakhar's sister is eighty percent."