FIZAH (Female Kolong Garbage)
PART 89 "Refusing Love"

*Hafizah Palace

So happy to see my mother suddenly standing in front of my eyes even though the one next to her is Mr. Nizam. And, even though I didn't thank him directly, I admit that it was because my mother was able to get here. He delivered a message from me.

Ignored him. I refuse to talk to him about anything. He did not sit down because no one would let him. I tapped him in the corner. I want to talk about a lot of things to my mom. Then, I thought Pak Nizam sat down after being invited by Ufi. He ordered a coffee because it was offered.

"Fizah, Ibuk pajae seneng flueet. Sampeyan got here with Mr. Nizam's help."

"He let me fight in the streets with Ratna, Mom," I thought.

"Sir, Mr. Nizam is very good, O Allah."

I was a little unable to accept the last words of my mother. But my mother knows nothing. What I do understand is that I went to see Mr. Nizam. So, I also thought why Mr. Nizam did not tell my mother the truth because I did not need to explain his attitude to me. Explaining is not my job. But, the obligation he had to fulfill.

"That helps me his name is Yazeed, Buk." I'm still silencing myself.

"Sampeyan how can you go directly in the tenth part of Kiai, Nduk? Kiai what's her name?"

"Kiai Bahar and Bu Nyai Ridhaa, Buk. They are very good nannies. When I arrived, I was very well received. To accept me, they don't need much consideration. Incidentally they also need ndalem people who are willing to sleep here. Gus Fakhar, that's Kiai's eldest son, he's also kind to me. But, I'm still too familiar with the three of them, Buk."

"Yes, Zah. Adab kudu keep guarded, yo. Ojo blayakan (not carelessly). This is ndalem aalim. Many rules. Ibuk pesen tase tata kramane kudu slick, yo. If sent anything cepet-cepet sendiko dhawuh (ready soon). Sampeyan iki again ngabdi neng wong ngalim (you are serving the pious)."

I listened to my mother's advice wholeheartedly.

"It's really busy. I try to keep myself as good as I can here. I'm peaceful here, Buk."

"Where is Ratna?"

"Ratna at Darul Amin's lodge. Half an hour from here, Buk. The place is much better there. Like living in a village."

"Lha nyapo (why) don't you come with Ratna?"

"Although that's the case, my heart wants it here, Buk. It's more suitable."

"Yes already. Every tree can learn everything. Ratna's healthy all the time, right, Nduk?"

"Thank God he's getting better."

"It's hard to see Ratna, Nduk? Yes, I'm sure there's a plan to make."

"Have you been nginep?" Nadaku's a little high.

"Hud's brought a change of clothes. But, Nduk, Mr. Nizam is still willing to allow. If possible, yes, thank God for two days I can see you."

After thinking about it, it would be good to ask Gus Fakhar to send a message to Yazeed. Who knows if Yazeed is loose and can come here again.

At length we continued to talk about anything that had been missed for a month. I open more topics of santri-santri activities here and my personal activities from the morning. Including me who is often a shaman massage nyai. My mother heard it. When my mother asked about my memorization, I said honestly not ready to deposit to Miss Nyai Ridhaa because I myself was still not confident. Thank goodness I didn't mind that. It doesn't feel like minute by minute it turns into hours.

Bu Nyai Ridhaa and Kiai Bahar enter ndalem. Greet Mr. Nizam first. He asked a few things that are generally asked of guests who do not visit often. Then, not long after kiai sat down, kiai said something.

"Related sing wingi niku Iza turned out to be mboten purun. Abah blatantly ae yo iki. Iza mature ya wis ngono kui intine. Abah ndak ngurangi yo ndak nambai. What about, Za?" At the end of the sentence, Kiai looked at me.

Translation: (Related that yesterday Iza was not willing. Abah just blatantly yes this. Iza says it's like that at the core. Abah does not reduce yes does not add. I see, yes, Za?) At the end of the sentence, Kiai looked at me.

And, Mr. Nizam with a soft voice and a less obvious gaze from here, he replied that it was okay. No matter how she felt, whether she wished for me to accept it or not, I did not want to cloud my own mind after I had made my decision. Then, Kiai actually said he would find his other santri-santri. One burden has escaped the mind. My breath could escape without a hitch.

When we were asked about the mother will stay here, we immediately welcomed with yes. In fact, Mr. Nizam was asked to stay overnight as well. There is no way that I can be allowed then Mr. Nizam even went home first. Even though I would meet him a lot these two days, I just wanted to focus on enjoying my time with my mother.

Gus Fakhar appeared in the middle of the door. Then, I covered behind Mr. Nizam, excuse me for a moment outside. I looked up and glanced at Gus Fakhar slightly as I walked around (with my knees) while looking down. Gus Fakhar did not enter.

"What's up, Za?"

"Gus, um.it..."

"Yes, by the way."

"What?"

Honestly, I'm very sad.

"Ngapunten before, Gus. My mother wants to meet Ratna. Can you send a message to Gus Yazeed?"

"could. Later, yeah." While confirming the position of the white peci.

"Oh, uh, Gus. Thank you very much."

"But maybe he'll answer tomorrow. The night he used to ignore messages."

"Snack is okay."

"What do you want to do here?"

"Enggeh, Gus."

"Oh that. Who's that guy, Za?"

"That's, Gus, that time."

"Ooooh, he proposed to you."

I nodded.

"How's the answer?"

I'm shaking.

"Do you know or refuse?"

"I refuse, Gus." I'm blurting out the sound.

"Alhamdulillah" murmured Gus Fakhar. "Eh, sory, sory. I don't mean."

"It's okay, Gus."

"Fakhar? Le?" call kiai from the inside.

"Snigh, Bah?" Shift a little step.

"Excuse me to the kitchen, Gus."

Gus Fakhar invited him with his hand.

"Le, Abah kae badalono's schedule."

Translated: (Le, Abah's schedule is changed)

Ufi attacked me with questions. "Where's your answer, Ms Za?"

"I refuse, Ma'am."

"Alhamdulillah. Though, he is handsome also lo, Ma'am Iz. When I offered coffee, I looked at it while continuing to call it istigfar. It turned out that the closer he looked was more charming. Oh, Mr. Lecturer." She's gleeful.

"Sir, it looks like you will be the next person" I said originally.

"Kiai dhawuh will offer a proposal to another santri. Who knows you're next. Prepare your answer, Miss Iz."

"You did, Ma'am Iz. I became this grin. Hehe." He pinched my arm.