Stuck With My First Love
Heartbroken

The next morning I tried to encourage myself to stay in school. Even though I haven't slept all night, I've been crying all night. My eyes are swollen. Runyam. It's like I have no purpose in life. But I strengthen this heart.

I chose to wear a sweater because I didn't feel well. I also just had a spoonful of breakfast. I have no appetite today. My face is really pale. To the extent that my father asked me permission not to go to school. But I refused. I said I'm fine.

“Your face is pale, baby?”ask Mommy to me

“Hahh..what's the right bund? I ain't papa kok”

“Iya Vi.you're pale. Please allow me to rest at home. Let me have permission with walikelasmu”ucap Daddy

“I ain't papa..Really deh..I left first yes mother, father”pamitku to my parents and I kissed the back of his hand.

“Daddy anterin to school”ucap Daddy

“Ga do well.I can ride ojek kok”

“Udah.all Daddy want to go to Mr. Irwan bentar”

“Oh.oke”

I finally left for Dad, because Dad happened to want to go to his friend's house which was quite close to my school. Along the way to school, I was quieter. I looked at the view outside my car.

At school, it was still early morning. I walked slowly to my class. I had my hands crossed on my chest clutching my body to protect me from the wind that morning. It was as if the cold had penetrated all the way to my heart.

Sometimes I take a deep breath, calming my mind which was still a mess. Those photos, videos and FB status kept ringing in my ears and mind. Repetition permeates my mind.

When I got to class, I didn't think I had to cross paths with him.

COCO!!!!

Why do I have to meet him so early? I didn't want to meet him. Not today. Because I've been so messy.

He looked at me and greeted me warmly. Answer her. As I continue to strengthen myself.

“Fagi Vi”sapanya

“Morning also”

I put my bag on the bench. My body's limp. I put my head on the table. My head's dizzy. Probably because of the effects of sleep deprivation last night. I didn't notice him sitting in his chair staring at me. Our eyes looked. I'm not strong with his eyes. I turned my body in the opposite direction to the seat.

One by one my classmates came. I lifted my head and sat down. My head feels more dizzy. I held my head while I closed my eyes. Tweezes my head to reduce the effects of dizziness from earlier whack by keeping my eyes closed.

When I opened my eyes, I was shocked to death. Coco was already sitting in front of me. In the chair of Mr. Hendy and Dion.

“You sick?” slowly tananya

“Not” I replied briefly.

Then I went to the bathroom.

Why would he be so good to me? Why should that be so careful? Why don't you just leave me alone? Why do I always misunderstand? I who clap this one hand is really sad. I just want to forget you.

I rubbed my face with water. Removing my flowing tears.

Ja..I was crying again.

Crying because she still cares about me. Crying knowing I'm nothing now to worry about. Crying because all of our stories are just past stories. Because now he is with Feli, his new lover.

“ttteeeeettttttttt...” Bell rings.

All rushed towards the field for the flag ceremony. I held Anti's hand, because my body felt so weak. My heart is fragile too. Me and Anti lined up two rows in front of Coco and Dedi.  The Anti occasionally asks my situation.

“Why you? Sick? Your face is so pale Vi”

I just shook my head. I wasn't ready to tell her my sadness.

After the ceremony, the Olympic team was called to the center of the field to hand over the Olympic trophy to the school.

I saw that big cup Coco and Feli brought to hand over to the principal.

My heart is broken.

I can't see it.

Especially seeing their smiles and laughter. I want to leave the field immediately and go to class. I'mtired.

After the trophy was handed over to the principal, all the children clapped their hands in joy marks. But I'm not. That applause reminds me even more of the video I saw last night.

I can't take it anymore.

“I go to class first yes An.I don't feel good”

“I'll take you to class”

I also chose to step back from the line. My fellow PMR members accepted me, because they were on duty at the time.

“You sick Vi?”ask if

Finally I was escorted Anti to class to rest.

The second lesson went very slowly. But I forced myself to follow the lesson until it was over.

As soon as the break bell rang and the teacher left the classroom, everyone rushed to the cafeteria including Coco and Dedi.

When I left the class, he looked at me. Our eyes looked at each other. But I closed my eyes. He also left.

I chose to stay in class. Actually Anti took me to the cafeteria. But I refuse.

“You go, I'm in class and papa” said I

“You don't want to go to the cafeteria?” ask Anti make sure again

“Your face is very pale.ayo eat kit” cajunya

“I ga papa.already you to the canteen aja...keburu full lho” replied I tried to explain.

“Yes, I bought you something to eat? Later you eat” persuade Anti

I nodded my head in agreement. Then Anti went to the canteen. While I'm back alone. I'm putting my head on the table. I heard Coco's voice from a distance. I also wake up again. I took out my notebook and noted down a few things. Justright. Coco and her friends get into class. Including there is Feli.

Once again my eyes and Coco looked at each other. I also had a look at Feli. As if her eyes said “STAY MY BOYFRIEND”. They talked very loudly, joked and laughed together. Although I can't see the expression on his face, I can imagine them both laughing and joking.

I'm really not strong.

My hands tremble.

Defense collapses.

“ttteeettttttttt....ttttteeeetttttt” bel break has ended.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm gonna go. Go far.

When Anti came and offered him the food he bought from the cafeteria, I chose to leave.

“Where are you going?”anti asked while pulling my hand.

“Kalo someone is looking for me, just tell me to go to the bathroom” I replied while holding back my tears that will soon fall.

I ran away from class too.

I didn't care about Aldi running into me in front of the class.

I have to hide.

I don't want anyone to see me cry.

I kept running crying, towards the basketball court next to the football field. In my mind right now it's too late for basketball hours. Sure enough, the basketball court is empty.

I sat in the corner of the audience seat

I was crying so much.

I can't stand the happiness of Feli and Coco. It was like laughing over the wounds of my heart.

Heart hurts.

So hurt.

I cried sobbing.

All the images of my happiness were shattered instantly.

Three years together meant nothing to her eyes. It turned out that I had misunderstood all along. He doesn't think of me at all. He didn't feel what I've been feeling all this time.

What is all that attention and sweetness for? Why does he make me wish for more? If he finally chooses another girl to be his girlfriend. Why would he make me fixate on him?

I collapsed.

This pain is too deep.

I don't know when it will heal.

I wiped these tears, while strengthening myself, but as if my heart and body were not in rhythm.

My heart hurts too much.

These tears will not stop flowing.

My chest is so tight.

I'm too fragile right now.