WHEN LOVE IS TESTED
Miscarrying
After a few hours struggling with pain, finally my Father-in-law came, I saw in his eyes a look of indecision.
“Why are you Anjani?” ask the Father-in-law in a flat tone.
“Not know Father, Jani's stomach hurts,“ I explained while biting my lower lip, holding every inch of pain that continues to gnaw on my stomach.
“Alah, spoiled very, drink water aja angel also healed,” replied Father-in-law while turning his face.
I don't know what to say, my father-in-law was the most determined person to marry us, but now his attitude has changed 180 degrees, I know humans are very volatile creatures, but the change in attitude of my father-in-law is too significant.
“You, it hurts so much in Rasain, you get karma for never being respectful to your husband, always arbitrarily to my son, he said, now it's your turn to be sick to cry for help sayah”
Deg, man,
The father-in-law's explanation made me agape, not believing what he had just said.
“Yes Allah Father, when did I behave badly to Mas Bagas?” my question is getting tighter clutching my stomach, why Father-in-law can not delay his anger at me for a moment, even when I was holding back the pain.
“My son has told me everything Jani, you are not a good wife for my son, my wife is married you guys” The words of my father-in-law hurt me even more.
So, all this time Mas Bagas slander me to his family, I'm trying to improve relations with him, but why the opposite? Complaining everything.
Suddenly I hated all my things, I hated my destiny, how the God of me began to remember this world until this very moment tested my love for HIM.
Suddenly my vision blurred, then started to darken, I don't remember anything anymore.
***
I passed the most difficult times, ah, it feels like there is no hard time that I have not passed, sometimes not infrequently I complain, I give up, I despair. I often want to run from every problem I go through, but somehow, again, again, again, and again I survive.
I don't know what's keeping me alive, while there's no reason I can survive. I think maybe because God still believes in me. Maybe because I could have gone through my hardest time. That's why I'm still holding on, maybe because that's all.
***
I started to wake up, but my sight and hearing started to go awry, my nose was covered in an oxygen mask, the impact on my hand was plugged, I was trying to move, I was trying to move,but I felt a great pain around my lower abdominal area, I heard the cries of Mother who embraced Beautifully, Mas Andre was beside them, I also saw Mas Bagas sitting closest to me, also my Father-in-law who was before I was unconscious had time to curse me.
Mas Bagas tried to hold my hand, but I tried to let him go,
“Mother ..” I looked at Mom, even though my throat was sore and dry.
“Yes, kid, you're okay, right??” ask Mom with tears.
“I'm sick what Mom??” I tried to grab Mom's hand.
Mom hugged me, and cried. I was confused by the people around me, they all looked at me with pity.
“Mother, Jani is sick what??” ask me again with a face full of curiosity.
“You're healthy, son, you're okay” replied Mother who made me even more confused.
“Mother, I know, right?? Jani is not a weak woman, Jani will be strong to receive any news from Mother.“ I kept urging Mom to be honest.
“You must be patient, son, you have just undergone curettage, because you miscarried” replied Mother still with sobbing.
I was stunned, shocked, how could I be pregnant without me knowing it, or even feeling it, ah why this? Why does my chest hurt so much, I try to talk, but why does my mouth seem heavy, to be honest somehow I want to curse everyone in front of me now, but why can't I? Why can't I ever be happy for a second? Although I have tried to reach my own happiness, but why? Is happiness the harder I can achieve? For the first time, after a long time, my tears melted at the end of my eyes, as if to represent every burden, pain, and pain that I had experienced all this time, as soon as my body felt hot, my body felt hot, my chest was tight and I could only hold back everything I felt, without being able to say it to anyone.
I looked at Bagas who was bowing deeply, as if there was a deep regret in his soul.
Suddenly the doctor came into the room, to replace my finished intravenous fluids. The doctor smiled at me,
“Mother Anjani, how is it going now??it's better, right?” the doctor smiled kindly.
“Ajani's mother, now a lot of rest aja yes, let her condition quickly recover, Mother miscarried because the mother's fetus is lacking in nutrition, what before her Mother often fasted???” ask Doctor.
“Iya doctor, previously I often fasted on Mondays, because I do not know if I am pregnant“ I replied.
“Iya, indeed at the age of five weeks of gestation it can rarely be felt by pregnant women, this case is often the case, but I do not be discouraged yes, Mother is still young, I am still young, there are still many opportunities for mothers to get pregnant again“ explained Doctor at length.
“Iya Doctor, thank you“ I replied softly.
“Well then, now Ibu Anjani rest first yes, I stay first, if there are complaints, I can immediately call me“ saying Doctor.
“Iya Doctor, once again thank you Doc “ I replied weakly.
“Iya Mother, equally, excuse me replied the Doctor as he stepped his foot out of my room.
Everyone in my room fell silent, as if they were drifting with their own thoughts after hearing the explanation from the Doctor.
“Mother ..” I called Mom in a hoarse voice.
“Iya Nak, what do you want??” mother asked softly, while Bagas was only able to look at me.
“Mother, Jani wants to be alone, Mom and the others can come out first??” my door.
“You're okay Jan??” ask Mom worried.
“Mother, Jani is a strong woman, how could Jani why-why? Jani just needs time alone Mother“ I smile at Mom.
“Alright we will all come out, if you need anything, Jani immediately call Mom yes, I will wait for you outside“ replied Mom as she moved away, and then, including my father-in-law and sister also followed my mother's steps out of the room I occupied. Except Bagas, Bagas is still trying to get close to me.
“Jan, I beg you, forgive my mistake“ pinta Bagas while lowering his head.
“You can also go out Mas, I want myself“ I've lost taste again to see Bagas face.
“Don't be like this Jan, I am very sad for not being able to take care of you, then I have to lose one of you, I beg you forgive me.
“You ever broke a glass mas??Ever seen the flakes, right?? That's my heart right now, my heart is broken. Although you try to reassemble the glass fragments, but the results will still be impregnated. My heart is so Mas, even if you try to fix it, but there will still be scratches wound there“ I replied while still looking towards the window. Without caring about Bagas' face.
“I beg pardon me Jani“ beg Bagas, still be clear.
“I've forgiven you Mas, even long before you asked for it“ I'm sure.
“Don't be like this Jan, I beg you to look at my face“ Bagas started to glaze over, I don't know what's on this man's mind. I really cannot plumb his heart.
“You can go out Mas, I want my own“ that makes Bagas sculpt, and slowly start stepping his feet out of the room.
After Bagas's death, I began to shed tears, I began to cry and scream with all my might, All this time I've been holding back all my own misery.
This has been my toughest test all along. I lost my son without me noticing his presence, the most painful thing for a mother, when it comes to seeing her son die first.
I screamed hysterically, and threw all the things I could reach, I didn't even feel any pain anymore when my intravenous needle slipped out of my hand. My heart is really broken. I was not sincere when I had to lose my own flesh and blood.
I just kept screaming, until some sisters came to me, and injected some medicine into my body, I started to limp helplessly, until I felt sleepy for a long time and I fell asleep into a mess.
“I'm sorry Mom son, I can't take good care of you. Be happy in heaven. Wait and pick up Mom when the time comes.“
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