Healing
44. Get lost

" You want to send me that photo how?, do you have my mobile number?", I asked slowly.

Yoga nodded. " I've had your number for a long time, I took it secretly from Bian's phone, but I haven't sent you the photos of the stars I used to take. I guess now it's not necessary, you've seen it in person, even as you wish, seeing it with the man you love ".

" I'm so jealous of Bian, he loves you so much and freely expresses his love in front of everyone. Different from me who can only look at you silently, because you are no longer mine, and there is another girl that I have to take care of her feelings".

" If you don't believe the expression I feel right now, that's fine, you've given me the chance to show you my sincerity, but I wasted the opportunity. I'm sorry I didn't take that chance well. If you can be greedy, I want you to give me a second chance. But it seems that even that is not possible, seeing the situation we are both already tied to others".

Yoga continued to talk non-stop, I remained silent and listened to everything she wanted to say. He is like a man with two personalities. Cold, quiet, and indifferent when with others. But chatty, and talk a lot while being with me.

I've been guessing since. From the look in his eyes Yoga was like wanting to convey something to me, just waiting for the right time and circumstances, and this is the right time. We were just the two of us, no one else.

" If you had known all that, we should now go back to the tent, we have been gone long enough, maybe Utari had woken up from her sleep, because she was the one who slept the earliest". I turned around and came down from the top of the boulder that was where I stood.

Yoga held me by wrapping her hands around my shoulders, Yoga hugged me from behind. I tried to rebel but my strength was no stronger than her.

" Please listen to me for a moment, Ra.", he asked.

I could just sit back and listen to what he wanted to say again.

" I'm sorry Raya. Sorry for the cowardly and annoying attitude I've been doing all this time. If indeed we are not a match, I just hope that you can forgive all my mistakes in the past".

" About our son, maybe you'll never tell me where he is, but anyway I'm still his father, I used to obey my mother's wishes because I had no choice. At that time I still needed the support of my mother and father so that I could succeed as I am today. To be honest I also want you to bear the fruit of our love. But this time I won't force you to tell us anything about our son. The important thing is that you and your child live a quiet and happy life".

" If you need anything for our son, you just tell me, let me help for his living expenses. Maybe now he is a teenager, and it costs a lot. I'm not gonna ask you to introduce him to me. It's just that I as his father is obliged to meet the needs of his life. Even I owe you a lot, for the cost of his life all this time. Not only the cost of school, but the cost of her food, snacks, even the cost when you give birth. Can you give me your account number to send our son a monthly fee?".

" Don't get me wrong, it's a real cost to our son, not that I want to give it to you, because I'm sure Bian will be perfectly able to provide for all your life's needs after you're married, but our son, we're, until whenever he remains my responsibility Ra. although late, but I really want to make up for all my mistakes in the past".

Is it true that Yoga says?, what he says?, wants to make up for all the mistakes of the past?. Should I believe it this time?.

" Ra.. I still love you, and will still love you at any time, even though maybe you will no longer return my feelings, because your love has been given to Bian. Had it been another man you chose, I might still have tried to snatch you from him. But Bian is my best friend, I'm sure he'll be a good husband to you".

Of course, Bian is the best man, and what else is this...., Yoga has really lost his mind, saying he still loves me?, he said?, how does Utari know if she finds out her future husband loves someone else.

" If one day Bian hurts you or leaves you, come to me, I will always be in the same place, even though there may be another woman next to me" Yoga said.

The more Yoga is allowed the more talk and fuss, I must put an end to this immediately.

" Yoga... Can we go back to the tent now?, I don't want any of the four people who went with us to know if we've known each other before, I don't even want them to know about our past. I've been happy with my life now, with Bian, I hope you're happy living with a girl as good as Utari".

" Don't talk about the past that's only going to hurt us".

" I would think of accepting or not receiving financial help for my son, to be honest all this time his life is very simple because living with me, sometimes I also feel guilty if I see him having to live hard because of my limitations".

Slowly I let go of the hand of Yoga that was coiled around my shoulder. Yoga no longer refused, and let go of his embrace.

I turned to him to bring him back to the tent.

Instantly I pushed Yoga away, even though I was actually enjoying a gentle kiss Yoga made me remember our first kiss, 13 years ago, slowly, gently and melancholy.

God, what I've done, I can't be mired in the same mistake.

" What do you mean Ga... how dare you kiss me!", I snapped in a loud voice while slapping Yoga's cheek and pushing his body away from Yoga.

" You said you wanted to kiss under the stars. I still remember Ra, all your hopes. I was just trying to make it happen, though late, very late" Yoga said with a sad look.

" It was Ga, and now that we're doing this is a mistake, I can't continue with you, or I will again and again make a big mistake" I shouted in a loud voice.

I can't keep lingering here, or Yoga will do anything further than this. I can't betray Bian, he'll be very disappointed if he finds out what I just did.

Because Yoga was still standing in place, I ventured to walk myself into the dim light that was far enough away from where we were. Since then I took Yoga back to the tent, but he did not respond, and continued to buy time so that we remained together in that place.

Even with a fearful feeling, I still moved my feet towards the dim light. Leaving Yoga who was not trying to chase me. He was still standing and holding onto his cheek which might have been painful because of my slap earlier.

I kept walking and walking in the darkness of the night, the sound of the rooster of the forest had begun to sound unpretentious, it was a sign that the morning was about to arrive, but it had been almost half an hour I walked, I haven't been in the tent yet.

Did I get lost?, I was just trying to get close to that light, but it didn't seem like I was up to it all that time.

Fear makes me cry, I'm really scared right now, nights walking alone on the mountain, and I don't know the way back. Why did I go alone, no matter what happens, I have to go back to Yoga.

But Yoga was so annoying, she kept looking for opportunities in the narrowness. Now I have to how, I stand at a crossroads, have to go right or left. I was confused to decide where to go.

Supreme Protector, please protect me from all kinds of dangers that may be around me. I'm just surrendering to you.

Finally I decided to crouch down and no longer walk, I was tired since I walked, but not until. If it continues I am afraid of the path I took wrong, and it makes me further away from the post.

Hopefully Bian or Utari will wake up soon and realize I'm not in the tent, and they'll be looking for me. That's my only hope. I kept crouching and lowered my head, not daring to look the other way. It's still dark, and it all looks scary and scary.

Even the sound of the wind blowing so it sounded scary in my ears. I cover my ears with both hands. I read the prayer I could.

How foolish I am to act as I please, as if I knew the way home. I'm sorry why I didn't wake Bian. Why would I want to just go pee at Yoga. I am sorry and very, very sorry.

May the sun soon shine, that I may seek a way back to the post. Stupidly I, even I do not bring HP, if I bring HP I can certainly turn on the battery and find a way home.

In the silence of the night all the sounds sounded creepy, even at this moment I was like hearing the footsteps of someone approaching towards me. Is it true that it is a person or not?, even I did not dare to look at it. I remained crouching and lowered my head while hugging both of my legs.

Maybe it's not human, because since not heard saying a word, hopefully not a wild animal. Or something I feared until I dared not say his name. I looked down and continued to recite whatever prayer I could. And the sound of that step was getting closer towards me.

I'm giving you my life, Ya Robbi, but if it's allowed, I still want to live longer, because there's my son Shaka I have to pay for his life.

My mind was getting messed up, fear made me imagine a no-no.