Healing
91. Shaka's Feelings

Shaka still cried sobbing not answering my question, really hearing his sobs made my heart feel so painful. It was already painful, and it was getting more and more painful.

I crouched down next to her, trying to wait until Shaka was calmer and better. But for about an hour I waited, Shaka still sobbed while burrowing his face between the folds of his hands.

At this time I am confused what to say, I am afraid of mispronouncing if I start the conversation, I want Shaka who first speaks, reveals his unek-unties, he said, so that I could know exactly which part made her become so sad, so that I could treat the wound in her heart.

I also ended up sitting on my sandals, so that my wet and dirty pants did not wet and dirty the parking floor.

Shaka looked towards me. " Can you please just leave me alone?, I just need a little time to be alone and vent my frustration, later I will definitely go home" said Shaka as she clenched her teeth holding back emotions.

I know she's upset, but at least Shaka still wants to talk. I was grateful that even though he was angry, he still wanted to talk to me after an hour we both kept quiet.

" Mommy won't let me go home before she finds you, if you go home alone, you'll get angry with your sister, and you won't let her into the house".

Shaka now straightened his head, rubbing both of his wet cheeks with the tip of his sleeve. He looked at me with a gaze full of anger and also full of question marks. It seems that Shaka wanted to hear an explanation from what I said this morning, but she was still trying to hold it in. He wants to know the truth, but is afraid of the truth itself.

" Mama... sister.... Actually I should how to call you two?. Is there nothing at the moment that I want to explain to you?, or should I pretend to hear nothing?". Shaka began to raise his voice, and now his eyes are so sharp at me.

" Since I started attending Elementary School, I was only 7 years old, I could only begin to understand a little about other people's conversations. All the mothers of my friends say that I am an illegitimate child. I am the result of a forbidden relationship. I was trying to figure out the truth, find out why they were telling me that, how could they call me an illegitimate child. I have a clear mama and papa and live at home with me, they also have a marriage book because I've seen it".

" I was deliberately looking for information about the wedding of my mom and dad, and I found their wedding book in the closet, nothing was wrong. I came to think, could I be called an illegitimate child because I was the result of papa's dark relationship with her affair, or mama with her affair?, but for the rest of my life, for the rest of my life, I never saw my mom and dad fighting each other, they always lived in harmony and peace, is it possible that one of them could have an affair?" said Shaka, then stop for a while to take a breath so that his emotions are controlled.

" Until one day I heard from someone, that my mother and my father actually never had a wedding. Then what did I see wrong?, obviously I've seen the marriage book of mama and papa".

" At another time, I heard more surprising people say, My mother is my older sister, that's what I hear from people. But I couldn't believe it, I tried to use my logic, we were only 15 years old, how could my brother be my real mother, while Brother had just graduated Middle School".

" The more I think, the more absurd things become. If I had a lot of money, I would have done a DNA test secretly, matched my DNA to papa's, so that I would know the truth. But such things only happen in soap operas and also in novels".

Shaka's words made me shake my head, "It doesn't just happen on soap operas or in novels, because your real father does it... Yoga did a DNA test with you, unbeknownst to me through her man. That's why he came to know of your existence that I've been hiding all this time", my inner self.

Now Shaka threw his gaze to the grass on the field that was still wet from the rain earlier, and continued his sentence. " That's why I hate you, I don't want to obey whatever you say, nor do I want to do any kind of command you give me. It was a form of protest from me, but no one understood, no one was sensitive, everyone kept on playing as if I was a child who was very easy to lie to".

My heart ached even more, knowing that my young son hid so much pain for so long, and no one knew, including me, that, I don't know what kind of mother I am. It's worth saying if he hates me, it's worth it. And I have to accept that my son has so much hatred for me.

I regained my senses from my own thoughts as Shaka spoke again.

" And I try to assume that the scathing talk and insinuations of others are just the wind and then I don't need to find the reason. They were all tired of calling me an illegitimate child. And I try to be a good kid, and always be a class champion so that their kids will still be friends and play with me even if their parents forbid".

" I've known for a long time who I really am, but I'm trying to follow the charade of all of you. My family every day did a big show, grandma and grandpa turned into mom and dad, mom and uncle turned into big sister and big brother. It's weird, but it really happened in my life".

" Do you all have to play that character for the rest of your lives?, I know you must also feel tired, just as I am tired of participating in theatrics in this family".

" Till this morning I accidentally had to hear from you if everyone's accusations were true. I've been living a lie all this time. So what should I do when I get home?".

" Do I keep calling you brother, and the others with the usual calls, or do I have to start calling you with the real calls?".

Again I heard Isak crying Shaka, I myself could no longer hold back the tears that I had been holding back from dripping.

" Just call us by the usual name, I just mispronounced this morning, I'm indeed your sister, because that's what it really is, can we go home now?, mama must be very worried because it is past midnight" I said, after a few minutes I shed my tears as well, of course by throwing my face and without a voice, so that Shaka doesn't know if I'm crying. This cold night was colder because of the cold atmosphere between us.

Shaka looked back at me sharply. " That's why I will stay with the Viennese mama who will acknowledge me as her son. All day I thought about staying with the woman who gave birth to me after her wedding tomorrow, even though she didn't want me to think of her as my mother, all because I don't want to constantly trouble the person I should have called grandma".

" I've troubled their lives too much, I shouldn't trouble them anymore, but I changed my mind, maybe I should stay with the Viennese mama who wants to acknowledge me as her son".

" Is Brother Bian my real father?, or is my real father someone else?. Surely there will be no answer that I get, to admit that I don't want to, let alone explain everything else". Shaka stood up and walked away leaving me who was still fixated on hearing his words. Although Shaka had known the truth about him for a long time, but he was so mature, he could refrain from rebelling.

Even now he was asking who his real father was, should I answer his question, if I still insisted that I was his older sister.

I am what kind of mother, who even though my son knows everything, but I still don't want to admit the truth, I still keep lying, I'm afraid to tell the truth. I was afraid of hurting Shaka, who had been hurt and scarred for a long time.

I followed Shaka's steps, which quickly passed through a muddy field full of rainwater. Yoga car is still on the side of the road, why does he not go home, there is no way I will take Shaka to his car, it could be strange if that happens.

But when he reached the entrance of the field, Shaka's body suddenly collapsed, and fell on the wet grass. I immediately ran to catch him, but unfortunately our distance is too far.

" saka.... Shaka..., wake up baby, you why son?, forgive my dear mother....", I directly hold Shaka's head that is drooping weakly on the grass. And at once I heard a long and firm step a burly man came to us, and his firm hand lifted Shaka, and put him in the car.

" Hurry up and get in the car, and we take Shaka to the hospital, he's passed out from too much stress, too much pressure in his brain that he shouldn't have thought of anything this complicated".

I immediately followed Yoga's instructions and got into his car, holding Shaka's head in my lap. I hope my son doesn't do anything. If Shaka had gone for nothing, I would have hated myself so much.