I Borrowed Him : Diary Luna
Season 4: Episode 5
Love is springing back. or just a feeling of pity...
My heart ached when I remembered the time I had met Luna getting narrower because of her condition.None of the signs before me about Luna saying that she was doing well, alright, her condition made me feel sorry for her. But...what is this stuffy feeling in my chest? what is this feeling that I feel in my heart? I'm too confused and don't know what this is...
"Then how should I? what am I supposed to do now when you are like this?! I'm confused what to do for you, now just say it honestly. You want what at a time like this? just tell me. I will definitely do it for you. There are no secrets between us. I do not want to live in my regrets.." I told him with my head bowed, a word that Luna wrote as a sentence that she was afraid to hear...
All because I couldn't hold back my emotions, Well to be honest I cried when I said it, I admit there was a fear of losing it back then.. I just don't want to go wrong anymore to step up like I did - already, something I hate about Luna and Naomi. It was also what made me unable to accept Naomi by my side at this time, it was the decision to do everything myself by lying to me.
"I.. want to rest.. can leave me.." luna said at that time, I was surprised because she kicked me out...
I think he was mad at me or whatever it was that made him throw me out, at least that's what I was thinking when he said he wanted to take a break. I looked up and looked into her eyes, indeed at that moment her smile line was raised as if she was fine but I knew she was going to cry...
"You... kicked me out...?" I was surprised, actually if he cried when it was no problem. But that's how the women I love, they're always tough on me...
"No sister. I was just not feeling well, maybe the effect of the medicine that I received and now.I feel very sleepy.." Luna replied with a smile, he said, I immediately wiped away my remaining tears then immediately turned to get out of the room.
I didn't want to argue with him like what he wrote in this book, but I was sure about what I was thinking at the time. Luna wanted to be alone with all her cries, both if that was what she wanted, soon I stepped my foot up to the exit but he called me to arrive - arriving when this hand had touched the door algae.
I turned to look at him after he called me. He was still smiling and asked me to bring me a guitar when I came to see him again, I said I supported him and immediately walked out. I closed the door tightly but I did not immediately move from the front of Luna's closed room. I heard him cry a little and scream, as I thought.he didn't write it in this book, I know you lied to me for the umpteenth time... Lunas...
Luna's cry sounded poignant in my ears. I know you need someone who can make you calmer, but I decided not to do it so that you understand if every human needs a place to lean on. We must not always feel strong, there will be times when we must be honest with ourselves if we need that figure. And that moment actually, I want to be a figure that can be a backrest for you, see how hard your head is in front of me...
I went away as Luna's crying voice grew louder - I heard, I thought she was asleep or maybe she could control her emotions. That thought I believed because Luna's heart rate gauge sounded stable from outside her room, which is why I decided to leave.
No, I can't go back to the hotel, not because I don't want to, but I'm not afraid to arrive - you need me. I want to always be around you even if you don't know, you don't need to know if I'm waiting for you all day in the hospital waiting room. Until the morning before I was still faithfully waiting for you in the waiting room of the hospital, to make papa may feel worried because I did not also come home to the hotel.
In the morning of the next day I saw my father coming to the hospital, we met in front of the patient registration place where the patient's companions waited. When the papa walked over to me and sat right next to me, he was silent to each other until the sound of papa's breath could be heard.
"Why? shouldn't you be happy that Luna has woken up from a coma?" ask papa in a tone that sounds so relaxed
"Why do women always not get to be honest with what really happens to them?" back to me asking papa, the thought bothered me so much that it made me angry at Luna and Naomi.
"Why do they always force us to understand the codes of them?! why don't they just be honest with us about what really happened to them?!!" my question was getting more emotional because papa was only silent with my first question, I looked at my face and saw him turn his head several times as if he was looking for the answer for me.
"Papa also don't understand why women always do that, they always feel they can do it themselves without our help these men. But, they often manage to do it... Son, listen to papa." replied papa then he looked at me sharply and so seriously, but at that moment I lowered my gaze to the floor.
"Meeting someone and then parting with him is a natural thing in human life, no one will be able to keep the promise forever. Suffering, heartache, and suffering are also part of life, life is hard ya.." said papa then he sighed for a moment, along with that I looked back into papa's eyes.
"Just hang on today and you'll someday find your own point of happiness, just as you finally meet your mom and you are present in your life" he continued, her large, warm hands gently stroked my head several times.
"Papa's words make me worse" I was upset, though cool, but the sentence did not encourage me at all. Moreover it doesn't answer anything from my question, you weird papa.
"Well what else, it is and since you are an adult then you must realize the bitterness of life" sounds heavy when papa said it, I understand all that because it is how life is...
"I understand, thank you for your advice" chirped me and then I stood up to buy a guitar as Luna wanted.
Papa asked me where I was going and I told him my purpose, in the end I went to the music store to buy an acoustic guitar. Somehow papa knew the nearest music store and we immediately went there, I did not ask why he was so memorized every corner of Paris. Though I'm sure papa isn't Parisian or he's lived here a long time before, but maybe because I'm tired after a long day of not sleeping makes me less able to think clearly.
At the music store that Papa chose, I bought an acoustic guitar that is quite beautiful in shape. The real papa chose me after having previously tried all the guitars offered by the shopkeeper, without arguing anything I immediately accepted the guitar and papa himself paid for it for me. In front of the music store I parted with papa, at that time papa said he wanted to go back to the hotel and asked me to return immediately if the business with Luna was finished today.
I nodded then immediately walked back to the hospital where Luna was treated, it did not take long until I reached the front of Luna's room because the distance was very close. With the air including cold made me not feel tired when walking in Paris, my body also did not sweat at all.
In front of the door of Luna's room when I knocked slowly, Luna's voice was heard inviting me in. I opened the door slowly and saw him enjoying the breakfast on the folding table that became one with the gurney, but I didn't see him touch the food. It seemed like he had already lost his appetite, inwardly wanting me to ask him about what food he wanted to eat but somehow this mouth was so hard to ask.
Luna's eyes sparkled as I entered with the guitar behind my back, Luna thanked him while pushing the dinner table to get rid of her breakfast. That smile somehow made me feel relieved, I felt like I managed to at least make her happy even though this was the little thing I could do for her.
"Aaa thank you! wait, I have to prepare first" Luna said as she was about to tidy up her hair...
Her hair, which was not in her head, suddenly her smile disappeared and she was very sad. I know that, but I don't know how to cheer him up...
"Eee Luna. don't think about it.." That's the stupid word I said at the time...
"Aaa the doctor won't let me wear fake hair.I would be ugly if it was like this in my last appearance.." luna said in a sad tone, I was amused to hear him say that...
"Hey hey brother, record my appearance with your phone donk" asked Luna to me, I obey him even though I did not say anything.
On a table under the television, I put the phone there leaning on an open vase so that the camera could take pictures of us both. After pressing the 'record' button, I immediately walked up to the seat next to Luna's gurney. At that time I was still busy to harmonize the tone in each string of the guitar, we were silent until Luna suddenly said something sad for me...
"In my last performance, I've sung two songs and there's only one more that I can't sing at that time." luna broke the silence in this room, his words at the time caught my attention.
"What song is that?" my question, even though at that time I continued to tune the guitar so as not to make a discordant sound.
"Adele's... All I Ask." he replied and I was surprised, my finger stopped for a moment to tune the guitar.
All I Ask...? it was a song that signified a breakup.The song was made by Adele which tells the story of someone who can not be with her lover and will be separated for a long time. On their last night, she asks her lover to pretend to be happy so that their relationship can end sweetly...
How could my heart not be broken when I heard that we would sing that song? am I up to it? isn't this like the last message from her to part with me? is this some kind of hunch we'll be parting soon? that's what I had in my head when I heard him say about a song he couldn't sing, Luna was right about me having the same thought as her.
"The stage name I used back then was Lunar because I always felt like a moon that looked beautiful at night but I couldn't look beautiful if I just relied on my own strength, I need the sun to look beautiful at night but I've lost my sunshine... I said that to my mentor and he picked me that song right away on the grounds that I could sing it so well if it involved feeling" it sounded sad when Luna said it
I just fell silent without saying anything, all I thought about when it was just that I didn't want to ruin her appearance in front of the camera. No matter how broken my heart is when I hear him sing that song, I must endure.
"Sir... can you accompany me with that guitar?" luna asked as if she was making sure my heart was ready to perform this song together, I wasn't that loud...
"I will do my best" I replied to reassure Luna that everything would be fine...
I immediately began to enter into the intro of the song, along with that I heard Luna take her breath to prepare to sing the song... All I Ask by Adele..
***adele - All I Ask***
I will leave my heart at the door (I will tell you everything)
I won't say a word (No more regrets in my life)
They've all been said before, you know (Everything is clear, you know)
So why don't we just play pretend (Let's pretend it's all right)
Like we're not afraid of what's coming next (As if we're not afraid of what's going to happen)
Or scared of having nothing left (Or afraid of not having anything else)
Look, don't get me wrong (please, don't misunderstand my attitude)
I know there is no tomorrow (I knew this relationship would end)
All I ask is (All I ask is.).
If this is my last night with you (If this is my last night with you)
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend (Hug me like we're still lovers)
Give me a memory I can use (Give me memories I can remember)
Take me by the hand while we do what loves do (Hold my hand like a couple does)
It matters how this ends (It is very important to create last memories)
'Cause what if I never love again? (Because what if we can never be reunited?)
*********************
In the middle of the song I stopped. My tears could no longer hold and instantly my fingers shook violently along with this body, Luna's voice with the song made me.... not willing to continue...