I Borrowed Him : Diary Luna
Season 4: Episode 9

Loser....

Loser said...? am I really a loser for crying over Luna? he... twice reneged on his promise to me, wouldn't it be natural for me to be so angry with him? I have a good reason to hate it, right? this outpouring of my emotions, it's natural that I'd bestow upon him. Although her body was already cold when I held her shoulder earlier, I knew she would not care anymore about what I told her even though I shouted at her.

I looked into Luke's eyes holding my body against the wall from earlier, he was yelling at me as if what I said and crying at that moment was stupid. But look at him, his eyes are reddened and tears are also seen in the eye bags. He was like me, this stupid gorilla, he said something that made no sense to me at the time...

"You don't understand!! you don't understand, Luke.he promised me. twice, my body felt increasingly overpowered until I was no longer able to rebel when Luke held me against the wall.

"Bring this body" papa orders the nurse who pushed Luna's body gurney

"Okay sir" timpal nurse received papa's order

After confirming the position of the blanket covering Luna's body, the two nurses immediately took her away from the corridor right in front of the operating room door. My hands wanted to grab her so they wouldn't take Luna away, but the pressure of Luke's hand pressing on my chest and sticking it against the wall made me unable to do anything. My body felt so weak, I couldn't stop crying, even when I wanted to stop crying. A shame...

After that, I don't remember what happened, I just felt Luke's hands start to saggy holding my body against the wall. My ears buzzed so hard that I could hear nothing more, my eyes also felt so dark. I was silent with a voice - Luna's voice, I heard her talking, laughing, angry, upset, and sometimes sounding so spoiled... "Well yeah. 'cause that voice I just heard.it wasn't more than a few hours ago..." I said in my heart

Not long after I felt someone pull my arm and slam me on the floor, I couldn't even react and the pain in my body didn't make me moan in pain. The physical pain I received couldn't take my mind off the pain I received in my heart, it all felt so hollow...

Someone then pulled my foot and dragged my body that was still lying on the floor, for a moment I woke up from my daydream and I saw papa who did it all... in a state of turning my back and dragging me somewhere we were going, papa said..

"Let's go, son, you've got to go back to learning about the true meaning of life" papa said.

Papa stopped dragging me right in front of the hospital entrance, he asked me to stand up and told me to follow him. We walked up to a park near the Eiffel Tower, where one of the park chairs my father and I sat together but fell silent in the cold of the night. I was still preoccupied with my cries that could not stop, but also seemed to be waiting for me to stop crying.

"Son. Every human being will certainly meet and then separate, be it friends, lovers, friends, parents, children, relatives.know we just lend each other time on one human to another" papa broke the silence, and then he sighed.

"This is your first experience of losing someone who may have a place in your heart, but this is what life is like and you have to experience this either sooner or later" sounded full of regret when papa said it, when I could hold back as much as I wanted at that moment I immediately responded to papa's words.

"I don't know what else to do this time.it all happened too soon, she. went so suddenly right before my eyes.. I don't know what this is and why it's like, I think I already hate it and don't want it to be around me. But. but. it's so painful, my chest feels tight..." that's what I said to papa, after I came back crying sobbing - sobs.

We went back into silence and my father's big hand patted - patting my back so gently as if papa was trying to calm me down, but it seems like any way I can't help my heart to stop these tears from flowing. This is so strange, I did not expect to feel lost after what Luna had done to me...

"Papa understands how you feel, but there's really nothing you can do to bring Luna back into this world.This time there's only one thing you can do, son" papa's voice sounded so soft as if trying to make me calm, I slowly turned to look at my father who was right next to me.

"What...that?" ask me curious

"Check list Luna, all her dreams - her dreams.You have to carry on with it all, convey your feelings to her that you care about her as well as her dreams" replied the father firmly.

"I will not be able to.." stammered I chimed in papa's words.

I didn't understand what you were trying to tell me that night, working on Luna's dream without Luna was a fool. Why would I do all that and show how much I care for the dead? papa's idea at the time felt so stupid and useless...

"That's true.no one will be able to, but you are the one who will break down the notion that it is impossible to do at a time like this. Finish your promise to him, be a real man, boy!" eagerly papa said it, I scrunched my forehead because I was so astonished by what papa said.

"What... does this mean, papa? he's dead.. does he know I've fulfilled all his dreams?" I'm surprised, it doesn't make sense...

"There or nothing means it's not the point, son. But the promise of a man who has spoken then it must be done even though he has to bet his life. Finish your promise and fulfill Luna's expectations of you, be a responsible man with your own words" he said

"That sounds really silly, papa.." I chimed in with a sigh, and we were silent for a while until the sound of my breath could be heard.

"What do you regret right now?" ask papa to push me

"Who... do I regret? many... I regret many things. and the biggest thing is. My insensitivity to Luna's condition, I should realize there is something Luna is hiding from me... I shouldn't be mad at him and keep trying to pursue his love and convince him that I want to be by his side no matter what... he is at war with the disease he craves." I replied regretfully.

"Then will you go home without fulfilling your promise to him? do you want to regret it a second time? isn't this your best chance to fulfill Luna's checklist that you've promised to complete?" tanya Papa pressed me, at once I was jerked

Papa was right.I should not break my promise, let him break his promise to me. Even though he will never know I have fulfilled those promises, but at least it will release me from all the shackles of my responsibility for all the words I have said. Maybe papa's right, it's not about Luna. but it's about myself, I'm not a liar who likes to break his own promises.

"I.. can still fulfill my promise. even though he broke his promise to me a second time, but it is not the attitude of a man to take revenge on a woman..." at that time, my father chimed in on my words

".... it is the duty of a man to forgive every woman's lie." I said and papa at the same time, and his hand stroked my head hard enough that my head swayed.

"You are a real man my son!! do what you should!" passionately papa told me, I chuckled softly in response to her praise.

"Thank you, papa, papa, the coolest man I've ever met." I muttered at the time.

We took a deep breath - at the same time, and exhaled slowly at the same time, I tried to organize my heart and emotions in the way I had been teaching all along. After this heart felt better, the two of us walked together to return to the hotel. Papa's figure has always managed to make me a stronger person and able to make me able to control my emotions well, that makes me always need a figure of papa at every opportunity.

Not long after we got to the hotel, my dad and I split up in the elevator because my room was located one floor lower than my room. I walked down the corridor of the hotel to my room with all my memories with Luna, when I got to the door I immediately opened it with the key I had. But when the door opened I heard a heartbreaking sobbing sound, not long from the corner of the wall next to the bathroom I saw Naomi running a little to see who was about to enter the room.

Still with tears in her eyes Naomi ran to smash her body into me, she hugged me so tightly and cried even louder in my arms. The sound of Naomi's cry made me speechless, I felt Naomi's sadness at Luna's passing. Even Naomi felt lost, even though she and Luna had only met for no more than a month... Luna really makes herself difficult to forget, in accordance with what she expected when she said she wanted to always be remembered by her friends...

I slowly removed my arms from Naomi's body, as did Naomi who slowly let go of her arms. I brought Naomi to the bed and let Naomi sleep in my arms, I kept stroking her hair so she would sleep better. But not with me, I kept awake until the sun showed its light.

I slowly replaced my body with a pillow to become the headrest of Naomi who had been sleeping on my chest, after making sure Naomi was still asleep in her sleep I went out of the room to go to the hospital.

At the hospital that morning I saw Selena walking about to enter the hospital with a picture frame that she seemed to have just bought, with a little run I tried to chase after Selena and then I pat her on the shoulder to stop Selena's footsteps. The clap caught Selena's attention, she immediately turned to look at me with puffy eyes. From his eye bags I can confirm that if he is the same as me, not sleeping all night.

"What is a picture frame for Luna?" I asked, Selena just nodded answering my question.

"Are Luna's mom and dad inside?" ask me again and Selena just nodded to answer my question again.

With a hand gesture I asked Selena to guide me to the mortuary where Luna's body was placed temporarily, after nodding back as Selena turned and walked over to guide me. In front of one of the mortuary rooms, I saw Luna's mother sitting on the front door of the mortuary and crying so heartbreakingly. Just from the voice alone I can feel how sad Luna's mother was that morning, losing a child alone wayang certainly will never be easy for Luna's mother.

Right in front of Luna's mother at that time I saw Luna's father standing leaning against the wall near the entrance of the mortuary room, with his hands folded and his head lowered as if Luna's father had let Luna go. But is it really like that? if I was so sad about losing Luna? of course I can't imagine... "Is this what you want, Luna? they are so saddened by your passing forever, at least now there is me, Naomi, Selena, your father and mother who cannot possibly forget your presence first" I said in my heart.

"This is the frame, Mr. Lincoln." Selena chirped as we were near.

Luna's father smiled at me while receiving the picture frame from Selena's hand, after thanking Selena at that time Luna's father walked over to Luna's mother. Without saying anything as if knowing what Mr. Lincoln would ask, Luna's mother gave her a brown envelope. From inside the envelope I saw Luna's father take out a picture of Luna's face when we were in high school, and Selena's cry broke when she saw the photo.

In the photo I saw Luna smiling.a smile that was so bright as if she was very happy, somehow I remembered the words of Luna's mother last night right in front of the hospital door. "What was that picture taken when you and I met for the first time?" I asked in my heart, I felt pain in my heart and of course I understood why Selena was crying so heartbreakingly at that moment.

I walked over to Selena and then I gently rubbed her head, at that moment I wanted to calm Selena who was crying sobbing...

"Tabahlah..I am as sad as you and I also feel so lost him.Let's just continue our lives as Luna wants" so I told Selena, although she could not make him stop crying, at least Selena looked calmer.

I walked over to Luna's father who was busy putting photos in his frame, when I was near I said...

"Mr Lincoln. if allowed..I want to bring a picture of Luna to complete our promises." I asked, when Luna's father looked at me with glazed eyes.

"Young Mr. Gates. I as Luna's parents apologized to you for.." Unfinished Luna's father said, I cut him off..

"It's okay.I'm the one who's been outrageous to her.." my dream, I almost cried again at that time so I hung up my sentence for a moment to catch my breath... I bowed before Luna's father and mother, and I said...

"I'm sorry I couldn't complete all of Luna's dreams while she was alive, this was all because of my stupidity and my insensitivity towards her. I am deeply sorry for this incident and wish that Mr and Mrs Lincoln could forgive my stupidity!" firmly I said that despite being full of regret, I could not hold back my tears any longer and I just let those tears drip down the floor..

At that moment I saw Luna's father standing up from his seat and also bowing before me...

"Thank you for giving a wonderful memory to our only child, he always talks about you and always regrets his destiny but thanks to you... he can die with a smile and never again regret his condition!" luna's father's voice sounded trembling, her tears also dripping as swift as my tears...

I was silent for a while when it was still in a bowing position to Luna's father and mother...