My Cry and My Happiness Are In Your Home
painful question

today BI Nani invited me to go shopping to one of the shopping centers in Bandung.

"Abang, nur can exit for BI Nani shopping nemenin?"

I asked Gus hafidz as he was busy getting ready to wear clothes to teach

"may" he answered briefly without looking at me

"Abang, still angry with nur?"

Gus hafidz just kept quiet without answering my question

"Well, you'll be careful to go"

Gus hafidz stepped towards the door of the room behind me, and I immediately took his hand and kissed him before he stepped his foot out of the room without tipping my forehead as usual.

hmm Brother still angry 😔

"BI, umma where? don't you want to shop with us?"

ask me to BI Nani who is busy tidying her hijab in front of the glass kitchen cabinet

"mother did not join neng, she said she had to attend a sorority parent meeting on campus neng Farah"

"oh, the pantesan was out with Ning Farah. Kirain did not want to go with Ning Farah"

"yes, we have set out yuk. ustadz Ilham has been waiting in front"

I nodded, and we walked out to the parked car in front of the house

"ka mut, you,,,"

suddenly Gus Lutfi ran up to me from the pesantren yard with a princess who used to babysit and accompany Gus luthfi play

"where are you going to be neat?"

"you want to nemenin aunty shopping darling"

"Lutfi's coming?"

"came along?"

I looked at the aunt for her approval, and the aunt smiled, nodding to allow Gus Luthfi to come along

"Gus cu can come with you mut"

"horeeee, Luthfi, change clothes first well for a while, ka mut same aunt wait here"

"ukhti, please replace Gus Lutfi's clothes well"

I said to the princess santri who accompanied Gus luthfi

"iya Ning"

his words with courtesy and courtesy.his sense I still have not been used to call Ning, because I feel embarrassed and lack pantes.but what is it that I can not refuse, can not refuse, because the call has become customary if married to one of the kiai children from his cottage.

~

"ka mut, Luthfi wants to go there to buy a toy"

Gus Lutfi pointed to the ranks of cabinets that are filled with various kinds of toys for children

"BI, nur want to go there first nganter Gus luthfi no papa?"

"yes no papa neng, let aunt to self-service shopping for kitchen needs"

"auntie doesn't bother herself?"

"not ko, it's normal anyways. later also helped the Ilham ustadz"

"ka mut come on"

Gus luthfi withdrew my hand impatiently

"yes, let's go there. BI went there first yes, assalamualaikum"

"iya neng waalaikumsalam"

me and Gus Luthfi also stepped towards the shelf that stores various kinds of toys

I see Gus Luthfi so enthusiastic to sort out the toy cars lined up neatly on the shelves in the store.

I just follow, and occasionally give advice if Gus Lutfi asks for an opinion about the color or model of the car he wants to choose.

someone approached Gus Lutfi who was busy choosing cars on the shelf

"waalaikumsalam"

Gus Lutfi answered the greetings of someone I have known for a long time

"Gus Lutfi is buying toys? same who?"

asked Agam who was not aware of my presence.he did not know if my appearance had now changed by using a veil, so he did not recognize my existence beside Gus Luthfi.

"same ka mut"

gus Lutfi replied while pointing at me.

Agam immediately stood up and looked at me, right towards my eyes which I immediately turned my gaze to the other direction, because I was afraid if I looked back at it would cause slander.

"assalamualaikum nur"

"waalaikumsalam wr"

"how are you?"

"Good God"

"ana, it is unexpected that the anti appearance turns into more graceful and closed. surely Gus hafidz more affection and love"

"Thank God, God willing. do'a right"

answer me try usual, although it is actually very uncomfortable to talk to Agam who continues to look at me with a gaze that I do not understand

"what's the anti-happy life with Gus hafidz?"

her sudden question made me look into her eyes

"of course, ana is happy because she is a very good and understanding husband"

"it must be like that"

there was a tinge of disappointment behind every word.I realized that, because the day before my wedding and Gus hafidz, Agam had called me to express his desire to come home to see my father.

but I forbid it because I don't want to give her hope.

I looked at Gus Luthfi for a while, it turned out that he was still busy with his car toys

"can you ask me something?"

I just kept quiet and then nodded my head in response to her request.

"why would the anti prefer Gus hafidz over ana? what because he is the son of a kiai and ana is not it? is it because he has a big pesantren and isn't it? is it because she already has everything and ana has not? because he's__"

"just don't forward the question to Ana"

I began to be upset by all the questions Agam seemed to accuse me like a realistic woman

"is ana that low in the eyes?"

asked me with a feeling of disappointment that I endured. I did not expect the soft and well-known Agam would say that to me.

I don't know what he meant to speak like that, but it was clear that this heart ached upon hearing all the questions.

is it possible that everyone thinks I am like that, because married to a famous child?

well, I realized I was not comparable to Gus hafidz and even with great difficulty I built up my confidence when I was with my husband.but today, today, that confidence seemed to erode and made my mindfulness return.

"why would the rich cry?"

Gus Lutfi touched my hand while staring at me and Agam alternately

"no ko, ka mut no papa. Gus cu has finished choosing his mobilan? if we pay now at the cashier"

"it's you"

" we pay now"

"nur wait, ana doesn't mean that. nur,,,"

I immediately pulled Gus Luthfi's hand regardless of the call from Agam.

actually I was very angry and annoyed at him, but I held it and preferred to avoid it.

why would Agam speak like that to me,,,